Episode 3: Conditional vs Unconditional

[00:00:00] The Life Unexamined Is Not Worth Living

[00:00:30] You're with Goodie, this your host J-Smoove, and welcome to The Life Unexamined Is Not

[00:00:39] Worth Living.

[00:00:40] We are on episode 3, Conditional Versus Unconditional.

[00:00:45] Now before I get started, you will confirm me on Spotify and Apple, and there you will

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[00:01:43] Alright, so let's get back to business.

[00:01:46] I'll probably like, what are you talking about, condition versus unconditional?

[00:01:50] Yeah, it's just another foundational topic that plays into who we are.

[00:01:54] It's funny how that works.

[00:01:56] Episode one was foundation, episode two was who am I?

[00:02:00] Hmm, it's almost like all of these episodes tie into each other.

[00:02:04] But anyway, I got graphs.

[00:02:08] Now I know the out-of-the-out could relate to being in a scenario where you either want

[00:02:11] to receive an end or you're the person that's complaining and voicing your frustrations.

[00:02:16] In any type of relationship, it could be a friendship.

[00:02:19] It could be a partnership.

[00:02:20] It could be your family and you have complaints.

[00:02:23] You love them.

[00:02:24] You sacrifice for them.

[00:02:26] And you're just saying to yourself like, yo, y'all don't even reciprocate the same thing

[00:02:29] to me, right?

[00:02:30] You get frustrated.

[00:02:31] You're just like, yo, I don't understand why they do this.

[00:02:33] I don't understand why they can't reciprocate the same love and actions.

[00:02:39] Now pause.

[00:02:40] This is what you will call the inquiring phase.

[00:02:43] This is usually where everybody stops.

[00:02:45] We don't usually delve deeper in the answers are right in front of us.

[00:02:49] And I don't just mean that figuratively, I mean like the answers are literally right in

[00:02:54] front of us.

[00:02:55] Some of us won't even express how we feel.

[00:02:57] We'll just suppress it.

[00:02:59] We'll keep it inside and we'll just keep going on without day to day.

[00:03:02] And even if we do have a conversation with somebody, it usually leads to conflict or

[00:03:07] even more misunderstanding.

[00:03:08] So you know what I'm gonna do for y'all?

[00:03:10] I'm gonna bring y'all all past the inquiring phase and we're gonna entrance into the world

[00:03:14] of the foundational understanding and solutions.

[00:03:17] So let's turn to the handy, dandy, marion web series dictionary for the definition of

[00:03:23] conditional subject to implying or dependent upon a condition, a premise upon which the

[00:03:30] fulfillment of an agreement depends a stipulation.

[00:03:33] So in some ways we're all conditional people.

[00:03:37] And some ways we are use a job for an example before you sign a contract or you sign an agreement,

[00:03:43] right?

[00:03:44] You want to make sure that your conditions are met before you sign that.

[00:03:47] You want to make sure that your pay is all right.

[00:03:49] You want to make sure that the work environment is well and theory, you hope that the work environment

[00:03:54] is what you're looking for.

[00:03:55] You know, you want to be set up.

[00:03:57] You want your conditions met before you move on and make that agreement.

[00:04:01] Think about when you go to a restaurant.

[00:04:03] Think about when you want to determine what type of tip you want to give to the waiter or

[00:04:07] the waitress.

[00:04:08] If you had good food, if the service was good, those conditions might end up making you

[00:04:14] a little bit more generous with your money.

[00:04:16] You know what I'm saying?

[00:04:17] You're being conditional.

[00:04:19] Unless you was another example, unless you was an example when you looking for a car, you

[00:04:23] go to a dealership.

[00:04:24] I say you looking for a car that has certain features.

[00:04:27] That's a certain color that has a certain interior.

[00:04:30] It goes from zero to 60 and a certain amount of seconds.

[00:04:34] These are all the criteria that we think of in our head.

[00:04:36] And these are the conditions that we need to be met before we sign an agreement.

[00:04:40] We in the dealership, that entire experience may play a factor into if our conditions

[00:04:46] are being met as well because let's say the person, the sales person that you're dealing

[00:04:49] with is an idiot and they just trying to keep pushing, pushing, pushing.

[00:04:53] That might turn you off.

[00:04:54] You know what I'm saying?

[00:04:55] Your conditions are not met.

[00:04:56] So you bounce.

[00:04:58] But if your conditions are met and you get in a vehicle that you're looking for, it has

[00:05:01] all the features that you want.

[00:05:03] It's the year that you want.

[00:05:05] So what you're looking for, your conditions have been met.

[00:05:07] You sign that contract.

[00:05:08] You sign the agreement.

[00:05:09] You're good.

[00:05:10] These are all straightforward examples of how we all are conditional in ways.

[00:05:16] Pretty straightforward is basic.

[00:05:18] I know that you will understand that but there's other scenarios though where it's not

[00:05:24] so straightforward and there's other scenarios where there's circumstantial conditional behavior

[00:05:31] and then there's I'm naturally a conditional person.

[00:05:35] And those two are different things and now we're going to delve into that.

[00:05:39] So when you're naturally a conditional person, your personality lends to that which means

[00:05:44] that yes, your conditional and the scenarios that I gave before and like I said, that was

[00:05:49] a pretty straightforward but you're a conditional person in all scenarios.

[00:05:54] So it doesn't matter what the circumstances are or who you're dealing with.

[00:05:59] You will always be a conditional person.

[00:06:02] So let's use an example of when we grow up, right?

[00:06:05] Like when we're younger and we have our parents or parent or your grandparents or whatever

[00:06:10] your situation was when you grew up.

[00:06:12] You got your choice that you got to do.

[00:06:13] You got certain responsibilities that are thrown upon you or maybe you're in this situation

[00:06:18] where your family needs some help.

[00:06:20] You're getting older and they ask you to get a job, help out financially or just support

[00:06:25] them in the ways that they need to show them love.

[00:06:29] But you don't really want to do that unless your condition is a met if it's too mentally

[00:06:34] taxing and you just don't know how to deal with it, you won't push through it and you're

[00:06:38] just not going to do for them.

[00:06:40] So let's think about those who say, well I don't feel like doing that or yeah, I'm not

[00:06:47] doing that right now.

[00:06:48] Like I got other stuff I want to do or I don't feel like it, right?

[00:06:52] Now a lot of times we chalk that up to all their children and mature and they're lazy

[00:06:57] sometimes.

[00:06:58] And there's some truth to that 100%.

[00:07:01] But there's also truth to the fact that there are some people and some children that

[00:07:05] that's just who they are, that's their personality.

[00:07:09] And it's not just about them maturing and about their brain developing.

[00:07:14] These are actually real personality traits that will continue even when they get older

[00:07:20] and that's the part that a lot of people don't understand.

[00:07:23] They don't really understand the aspect of our personality how that really does shape

[00:07:28] who we are because everything is not something that we can just work on all the time, right?

[00:07:33] So in the scenario that I gave with that child, as they get older, guess what?

[00:07:39] When it comes to responsibilities, when it comes to them taking care of what they need

[00:07:44] to take care of, pardon me, they still may struggle when they get older.

[00:07:48] You know why?

[00:07:49] Because it wasn't just based on them being a child.

[00:07:51] It was based on them being who they are.

[00:07:53] And then that conditional behavior bleeds into every aspect of their life because remember

[00:08:00] what I said, those are naturally conditional people.

[00:08:04] Doesn't matter the scenario.

[00:08:06] So now when it comes to dealing with your family as you get older, dealing with your friends,

[00:08:13] dealing with a partner, it bleeds into all those spaces.

[00:08:18] So friendships, for example, you may have some friends that they'll ask a conditional

[00:08:23] person to help them out.

[00:08:26] They're going through something, you know, they're asking them to show them love, to show

[00:08:30] them support.

[00:08:32] And a conditional person may give you all of those but then they may not give you all

[00:08:37] those depending on what they're going through depending on if they feel like it's depending

[00:08:42] on what they have going on in their lives.

[00:08:44] They may not give you what you're looking for if you're a friend that's seeking that

[00:08:49] because their conditions haven't been met.

[00:08:52] Their conditions is not exactly what they wanted to be where they believe that they're in

[00:08:56] a position that they can help you.

[00:08:58] So now we move over to relationships, partnerships and in a relationship and a partnership, you

[00:09:05] could have a party that's looking for the same thing as a friendship but obviously there's

[00:09:10] romantic aspect to it.

[00:09:11] You know, and it's a different type of interaction with a partner but they're looking for support,

[00:09:16] they're looking for love, they're looking for communication, they're looking for somebody

[00:09:20] to take care of them to help them.

[00:09:23] Now someone who's conditional, they may or may not give you that as well.

[00:09:28] They could treat you magnificently, they could treat you like a king or queen or they could

[00:09:33] treat you like complete and utter crap.

[00:09:35] Consistency varies because it could depend on like I said before what they're going

[00:09:40] through, if they're stressed out, if they had a bad day, if they had a good day, they

[00:09:45] may support you, they may not support you.

[00:09:47] They may show you love, they may have loving actions, they may have actions that have nothing

[00:09:52] to do with love at all, they may show selfish actions.

[00:09:56] It all depends on their conditions.

[00:09:58] The conditions are the determining factor of what they will do for you and this is a foundational

[00:10:04] point that I need you all to keep into the forefront of your mind.

[00:10:08] So now let's go back to Merriam Websis again and we're going to look up the definition

[00:10:12] of unconditional.

[00:10:14] So unconditional is not subject to conditions or limitations, free from restraint.

[00:10:20] I so no limitations, no restraints.

[00:10:24] So let's use an example of someone who is a sports fan, let's say they have basketball

[00:10:29] fan, let's say that they are Nick's fan, they are Lake is fan, whatever, it doesn't really

[00:10:32] matter what fan you are.

[00:10:34] But you know what, let's use an example.

[00:10:38] And now we ain't doing that at like sports like that.

[00:10:40] I'm not getting into it heavy like that, you know what I'm saying?

[00:10:43] This is not what this is for but it's a perfect example because being a Nick's fan, that

[00:10:50] organization has been ran terribly for decades and it's still one of the most popular teams

[00:10:57] in the world.

[00:10:59] But being a Nick's fan, it takes dedication, it takes loyalty, it takes support and it

[00:11:05] also takes you being unconditional.

[00:11:08] So don't fans as you see that go to them games, they have unconditional love for the

[00:11:12] Nick's and they're paying crazy prices too.

[00:11:16] And it's frustrated and all of that but they love the team is unconditional.

[00:11:20] You know what I'm saying?

[00:11:21] It doesn't matter what the conditions are and that team has been bad for a long time.

[00:11:26] You know what I'm saying?

[00:11:27] They are right now, you know what I mean?

[00:11:28] They're not going to do anything to play us.

[00:11:30] But my point of what I'm saying is you have to be an unconditional fan to continue to

[00:11:35] follow the Nick's and support them unless you use another example for sports.

[00:11:40] Let's say that you actually don't even like being around a crowd.

[00:11:43] You don't like being around people like that.

[00:11:45] The atmosphere is not really yet thing but you love basketball, you love your team.

[00:11:50] So it doesn't matter to you, it doesn't move you.

[00:11:52] You're going to go out and support your team regardless.

[00:11:55] You're going to watch them, you're going to be entertained and that's what is going

[00:11:58] to be for you unconditional.

[00:12:00] Now let's go to the other side of Spectrum.

[00:12:02] Examples like when keeping the real goals wrong, like from the Dave Chappelle show.

[00:12:08] But what I'm trying to say is, let's say you have a situation where someone is at work

[00:12:12] and one of their coworkers or even let's say that their manager says something to them

[00:12:17] that they didn't like.

[00:12:19] They felt it was disrespectful.

[00:12:21] Now for them, they don't want to go through HR or they don't want to go through that process.

[00:12:26] They just want to say whatever they want and they don't care about the conditions, they

[00:12:30] don't care that they're at work, that they're working for somebody else who is their employer

[00:12:34] doesn't matter to them.

[00:12:36] They're going to be unconditionally who they are.

[00:12:39] So in that situation, they tell them how they feel and they may even disrespect that

[00:12:42] person who's in power and that might end up leading to them losing their job.

[00:12:48] Now to that person that was being unconditional, they said look I don't care.

[00:12:52] I'm going to say whatever I want, I'm going to speak my mind, whatever comes from it,

[00:12:56] that's another example of someone being unconditional.

[00:12:59] Their conditions don't matter to them, they're going to express themselves the way that

[00:13:02] they want and it doesn't matter, they feel free.

[00:13:06] Now those are old examples of something that can be circumstantial.

[00:13:09] People who are unconditional based on their circumstances.

[00:13:13] But to be confused with someone who is naturally an unconditional person, somebody who's personality

[00:13:19] lends them being unconditional.

[00:13:21] Not to say that they are conditional in certain scenarios but for the most part, they're

[00:13:25] an unconditional person.

[00:13:27] Now let's go back to how they grew up, how they were raised.

[00:13:31] The same expectations are stone on them, the same responsibilities are stone on them, but

[00:13:35] an unconditional person might react or probably react in a different way because their conditions

[00:13:40] don't matter to them.

[00:13:41] So if their family needs them to take care of the chores, they'll take care of it doesn't

[00:13:45] matter.

[00:13:46] If their family needs them to take on the responsibilities, it doesn't matter to them,

[00:13:49] doesn't matter what they feel, it doesn't matter what they're going through.

[00:13:53] They're going to do with acts of them.

[00:13:55] Out of love, they have unconditional love for their family.

[00:13:58] If they see that their family is hurting, they're going to be there for them, they're

[00:14:01] going to do what they need to do to help out their family.

[00:14:04] If they need to help out the family financially, they need to go get a job.

[00:14:07] It doesn't matter to them, they're going to do what they need to do to support their

[00:14:10] family.

[00:14:11] And I'm not saying that they may not have struggles because their children and their immature

[00:14:15] still and not saying that they can be lazy and all of that, they can be for sure.

[00:14:21] A lot of children are like that.

[00:14:23] But for the most part, their personality lends to their unconditional behavior.

[00:14:28] The conditions may change but the mindset doesn't.

[00:14:32] Now on the flip side, a child can exhibit unconditional behavior that is disruptive.

[00:14:38] They can be disrespectful towards their family towards their parents.

[00:14:41] They don't care.

[00:14:42] They just want to move in the way that they want to move.

[00:14:44] They're selfish.

[00:14:46] If their family is hurting, they don't care because it doesn't benefit them.

[00:14:50] They are unconditionally who they are.

[00:14:52] The conditions that surround them doesn't matter.

[00:14:56] They don't care to show love to their family in that way because it's just not them.

[00:15:01] The goals of we talking about unconditional behavior from a positive standpoint or from

[00:15:06] a negative standpoint, all of this bleeds into your relationships when you get older.

[00:15:10] It bleeds into your friendships, your partnerships, how you deal with your family.

[00:15:15] It bleeds into every aspect of your life, the same as conditional people.

[00:15:19] There's no difference when it comes to that.

[00:15:21] It's the same thing.

[00:15:22] So when it comes to friendships, an unconditional person may show you unwavering support, unwavering

[00:15:29] love.

[00:15:30] They'll talk to you when you need them to talk to you.

[00:15:33] The conditions don't matter to them or you could also have a friend who is going to tell

[00:15:37] you what you may not want to hear and they're going to tell you about yourself and they're

[00:15:42] going to speak their minds no matter what, no matter the conditions.

[00:15:46] Even if you may not want to hear it, they're still going to tell you because they're unconditionally

[00:15:50] who they are.

[00:15:51] Then we have examples when it comes to partners.

[00:15:53] When it comes to a partnership, an unconditional person will show you unwavering love as well,

[00:15:58] unwavering support.

[00:15:59] They'll be there for you no matter what, it doesn't matter to circumstances.

[00:16:04] It doesn't matter if they had a good day, it doesn't matter if they had a bad day.

[00:16:07] The mindset doesn't change, the axes don't change, but they also may tell you what you

[00:16:12] don't want to hear.

[00:16:13] Same exact thing as a friendship.

[00:16:15] They may not be sensitive to your feelings depending on their personality, depending on

[00:16:20] how they are.

[00:16:21] Right?

[00:16:22] So these are all things that could happen when you have someone who is unconditional.

[00:16:26] Essentially what I'm saying is that an unconditional person is going to give you who they are no

[00:16:31] matter the conditions and it's going to be a high frequency.

[00:16:36] It's going to be a high frequency of you getting these actions on the regular.

[00:16:40] It's not going to be in frequent, it's not going to be up and down.

[00:16:44] Now it's going to be pretty consistent.

[00:16:46] You're going to get the same thing consistently from an unconditional person.

[00:16:51] But I do want to put a disclaimer out there and say that now when it comes to trauma,

[00:16:56] that is definitely something that could change somebody.

[00:16:59] Even if somebody is naturally an unconditional person, that could definitely change them.

[00:17:03] But there are scenarios where someone has gone through trauma, but who they are naturally

[00:17:08] still stands out and they still exhibit the same unconditional behavior.

[00:17:13] But I did want to throw that out there.

[00:17:15] I didn't want that to go on said.

[00:17:17] But now let's enter into a world where conditional and unconditional people mix with each other

[00:17:22] and I'm telling you it's a sight to behold.

[00:17:26] So we have a world filled with people who fall into two different umbrellas, the conditional

[00:17:31] side and the unconditional side.

[00:17:33] They all intermingle with each other.

[00:17:36] They all indulge in different activities with each other.

[00:17:39] They become companions, their family, they have boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and

[00:17:45] wives.

[00:17:46] It's like a block party on a grand scale.

[00:17:48] But in this party, it's a mixture of happiness, sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration,

[00:17:58] peace, tranquility, stress, humor, trauma.

[00:18:04] It's a mixture of so many different emotions and feelings and thoughts.

[00:18:09] And within this block party we have a mother and a daughter.

[00:18:11] The mother took care of the daughter since she was little but she always has some problems.

[00:18:17] She has some issues and by the way, I forgot to say the mom is conditional.

[00:18:21] The daughter is unconditional but let's get back to her story.

[00:18:24] The mother has some issues.

[00:18:26] She always had problems dealing with stress.

[00:18:28] It affected her family life.

[00:18:31] It affected how she raised her daughter and it affected her job.

[00:18:35] It wasn't easy for her to keep jobs because she couldn't handle the stress that came

[00:18:39] along with that.

[00:18:41] So the daughter was always there for the mother.

[00:18:43] She always gave us support.

[00:18:45] Whatever she needed.

[00:18:46] She always provided that since she was younger and as that daughter got older and the mother

[00:18:51] aged, it was still the same process.

[00:18:53] The mother was still leaning on the daughter to help her.

[00:18:57] The daughter had no issues for her.

[00:18:59] The daughter was unwavering in her love.

[00:19:01] The daughter did whatever her mother asked to do.

[00:19:04] She was always there for her.

[00:19:06] The daughter ends up getting married and she ends up having children.

[00:19:10] The mother continues to age and she still has the same expectations for her daughter.

[00:19:15] She still doesn't know how to handle stress.

[00:19:17] She still looks to her daughter as that foundational rock to support her and to help her.

[00:19:23] And her daughter still does it unwavering.

[00:19:26] She supports her mom.

[00:19:28] She helps her mom.

[00:19:29] But then as time progresses, the daughter starts to get to a breaking point or near a breaking

[00:19:35] point.

[00:19:36] And she's feeling the stress from her husband, from her children, and her mother keeps asking

[00:19:44] and asking more and more and more from her daughter.

[00:19:48] And her mother just keeps taking from her daughter.

[00:19:51] But the mother is not really a giver and the daughter doesn't really ask for anything

[00:19:56] like that.

[00:19:57] But their relationship has, for the most part, been the daughter gives the mother takes.

[00:20:03] But as I said before, the daughter is getting to a point where she's breaking.

[00:20:07] So she has a conversation with her mother and she tells her mother that it's becoming

[00:20:12] too much for her.

[00:20:14] And she would like it if maybe her mom could get some help or maybe she could just not

[00:20:20] ask as much from her because there's a lot that she's dealing with from so many different

[00:20:26] sides.

[00:20:27] So the mother doesn't understand.

[00:20:29] The mother is frustrated.

[00:20:30] The mother is upset.

[00:20:32] And the mother says, why would you say that to me?

[00:20:36] You've always been there for me.

[00:20:38] So the mother has those expectations for her daughter but she's only thinking about what

[00:20:42] her daughter does for her.

[00:20:44] She's only thinking about herself.

[00:20:45] She's selfish.

[00:20:46] She's not thinking about everything that her daughter is going through.

[00:20:49] She's not thinking about the pain that her daughter feels.

[00:20:52] She's not thinking about distressed her daughter has.

[00:20:54] She's not thinking about how she's draining her daughter, how she's asking so much from

[00:20:59] her and the effect and the toll that is taken on her.

[00:21:02] The mother doesn't understand that every time she asks her daughter for something, that

[00:21:08] ways on her but it also ways on her marriage and it also ways on her child wearing.

[00:21:14] It ways on so many different aspects of her life but the mother doesn't see it that way.

[00:21:19] And this now causes a rift in their relationship.

[00:21:23] So down the block from them are two friends.

[00:21:26] Let's call them Mike and Tony.

[00:21:30] Mike is conditional.

[00:21:31] Tony is unconditional but their relationship is always worked.

[00:21:36] Tony is always there for Mike when he needs him.

[00:21:39] Mike is there for Tony for the most part but there could be sometimes if Mike is going

[00:21:42] through something.

[00:21:44] He may not be in the right mindset to help Tony and support him but Tony is okay with

[00:21:51] that because he doesn't have those expectations for Mike.

[00:21:54] Now he does have little frustrations with him and Mike is a taker.

[00:22:01] He likes to receive and he's lazy and that does bother Tony but it works for them.

[00:22:07] Tony is also a person that speaks his mind and tells Mike about himself and he doesn't care

[00:22:13] and that Rose Mike the wrong way sometimes.

[00:22:16] They begin to they arguments, they have their quarrels and they have their hiccups but

[00:22:21] they always get over it.

[00:22:22] It's never that big of a deal for them because as Tony always tells Mike you better be happy

[00:22:28] I don't have to do what you want to regular because if I did I don't know if we will be friends

[00:22:35] but that's not the case for both of them.

[00:22:37] They don't interact with each other every day so their relationship works for them and

[00:22:41] across the street we have a married couple, a husband and a wife.

[00:22:45] And I'm at this label on my title is just like I did with the mother and the daughter.

[00:22:49] The husband is conditional, the wife is unconditional so let's start with the wife as I said before

[00:22:56] she's unconditional.

[00:22:58] She shows unwavering support for her husband, unwavering love always wants to make sure that

[00:23:03] he's taken care of, she cares to him, she always wants to make him happy.

[00:23:09] She works, she takes care of household but she also has a mouth on her.

[00:23:13] She gets annoyed easily, she gets frustrated at times and she lets her husband have it.

[00:23:19] You know she's going to tell him how she feels and it might be rude and insensitive but

[00:23:25] that's just who she is.

[00:23:27] The conditions don't matter.

[00:23:29] And the wall is she has some family issues going on, she's has some losses in her life.

[00:23:35] She has a little bit of trauma going on in her life as well.

[00:23:37] You know she's dealing with a lot but the wall of that she still is consistently who she

[00:23:42] is, she's an unconditional person.

[00:23:45] Now on the flip side of that we have the husband and as I said before he's conditional.

[00:23:51] The husband works, he takes care of finances and he loves his wife, he supports her, he's

[00:23:57] there for her and he tries to cater to her in the ways that he knows how but the frequency

[00:24:02] varies.

[00:24:03] It's going to be based on if he had a good day, if he had a bad day where he's going through

[00:24:10] and by the way he does have a few family issues just like her, few trauma related issues

[00:24:16] just like her.

[00:24:17] And sometimes when he's going through what he's going through he may not give his wife

[00:24:21] to time that she's looking for.

[00:24:23] He may not give her what she needs at the time.

[00:24:26] You know what I mean?

[00:24:28] Because his conditions are dictating his actions.

[00:24:32] So if he doesn't have the right mindset to accommodate her or he's not in the right mental

[00:24:37] space that even have a conversation with her or talk to her then that's just what it

[00:24:41] is.

[00:24:43] The intent is there and he wants to be there for his wife, he does the intentions are

[00:24:47] there but the actions always aren't because his conditions dictate that and with all these

[00:24:53] differences they have a bunch of arguments and it's the same arguments.

[00:24:57] The wife complains and says hey you know I cater to you, I do everything that you want.

[00:25:03] I'm always thinking about you even when you don't ask for anything I'm still looking

[00:25:07] to do what I can for you.

[00:25:09] But it seems like you're ungrateful, it seems like you take what I do for granted.

[00:25:14] It's almost as if you don't even fully appreciate how I sacrifice for you and the husband

[00:25:19] looks at her and says well I don't actually do all of that, that's for you and that's

[00:25:24] like a knife to the heart, to the wife right?

[00:25:28] You know what I was saying?

[00:25:29] Like that, that one hurts but the husband says yeah I don't I don't actually do that.

[00:25:34] So if you kill yourself for me, that's your choice, that's what you do.

[00:25:38] That's not on me and I try to do everything that I can for you as well but sometimes this

[00:25:42] thing is going on in my life and I just don't have the energy or the capacity to give

[00:25:47] you what you're looking for.

[00:25:49] You know you're always complaining about everything that I do and I just don't understand

[00:25:53] you so the wife looks at them and she says you know I just I don't understand you either.

[00:25:59] I really just don't understand, I don't know how you could look at everything that I do

[00:26:03] and make such an insensitive statement.

[00:26:06] And then the husband says insensitive.

[00:26:09] I mean the way that you'll be talking to me and you calling me insensitive?

[00:26:13] That's comical.

[00:26:14] So they have these type of conversations on the regular and things will be good for a

[00:26:18] while but when the problem is a rising, you can see it coming a mile away.

[00:26:27] And it's just the same circular logic by both parties, repeat it over and over again.

[00:26:33] The same misunderstandings repeat it over and over again.

[00:26:37] They just continue to beat that dead horse.

[00:26:39] So remember in the beginning when I had talked about being stuck in the inquiring phase?

[00:26:44] So this husband and wife, they're stuck at that phase.

[00:26:48] They just keep getting into the inquiring phase and they just keep misunderstanding each

[00:26:51] other and they just go about their lives.

[00:26:55] To see that's a life that's unexamined.

[00:26:58] See all I'm doing is laying a foundational understanding for you all to reach your own

[00:27:03] solutions.

[00:27:04] See, a solution for me may not be the same solution for you.

[00:27:08] It may differ.

[00:27:09] So let's say that you're a conditional person and you say man, you know what?

[00:27:13] I would love to have an unconditional person in my life as a partner because I feel like

[00:27:17] I will re-board the benefits from that.

[00:27:19] You know what I'm saying?

[00:27:21] That's what it sounds like to me and if fairy, it does.

[00:27:26] It does sound like that but those benefits that you read may come out of course and the

[00:27:30] significant cause like that because let's say that that person that you're with, that

[00:27:34] unconditional person that you're with, they do all those things for you and they're always

[00:27:38] thinking about you and yeah, you receive absolutely.

[00:27:41] But what about when that person gets to that breaking point?

[00:27:45] What about when that unconditional person doesn't feel appreciated?

[00:27:48] What about when that unconditional person just had enough because the relationship is

[00:27:52] grossly imbalanced?

[00:27:54] There's a lot of giving on one end and there's a lot of receiving on the other end, right?

[00:27:59] Then what do you do?

[00:28:01] There's a course.

[00:28:03] There's always pros and cons part of me.

[00:28:06] Always.

[00:28:07] It's not just, oh everything is great.

[00:28:10] Nah.

[00:28:11] And I know it's like that but what if you're an unconditional person and you want a conditional

[00:28:17] person in your life depending on the type of relationship like we talked about with

[00:28:21] the friends before, right?

[00:28:23] If you want somebody that's in your life that you don't have to deal with all the time

[00:28:26] and their conditional, that may not bother you because you don't have to deal with them

[00:28:30] on the regular.

[00:28:31] That might work for you or it might not because even if you don't have to deal with them

[00:28:36] on the regular, that person still may not work for you.

[00:28:39] They may not fit your life.

[00:28:41] You have to determine that.

[00:28:43] All of these examples in this episode as a whole is about me laying that groundwork

[00:28:47] for you out.

[00:28:49] Conditional versus unconditional.

[00:28:52] That's the title that I have for this episode.

[00:28:54] I put those two words against each other.

[00:28:57] I put them in opposition of each other.

[00:28:59] I gave you all the pros and cons but not once did I tell you which category I fall under

[00:29:05] and not once did I tell you which category I deemed to be better, which category I deemed

[00:29:10] to be worse and I don't plan to because it's irrelevant.

[00:29:14] It doesn't matter, that's not my job and it sure isn't my job to tell you who you are

[00:29:19] and what category you fall under.

[00:29:21] It's not my job to tell you who should be and who should not be in your life and what

[00:29:25] category they fall into.

[00:29:26] That's your job and when you decipher that, make sure that you order your steps appropriately

[00:29:31] and from there you'll be moving into a realm of a life that's worth living.

[00:29:37] I'm your host Jay Smooth and you just listen to the life unexamined.