Episode 5: Compatibility

[00:00:00] .

[00:00:30] Once goody, I'm your host Jay Smooth.

[00:00:38] Welcome to the life on examine is not worth living and we are on episode 5 compatibility.

[00:00:44] Yo, what are you laughing at?

[00:00:47] I could barely get through the title of my episode without you interrupting me.

[00:00:51] See this may already be a sign of compatibility issues.

[00:00:54] You think so?

[00:00:55] Okay well, I think we'll determine that at the end of the episode okay.

[00:00:58] Sounds good.

[00:00:59] Now before I get started, you will confirm you are spotifying Apple and there you will

[00:01:04] can subscribe to my podcast.

[00:01:06] Follow me on IG at the underscore life underscore an examined underscore podcast and there

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[00:01:21] on my episodes during the week and I'll also be sharing my words of the day to keep you

[00:01:25] actively thinking.

[00:01:26] And please visit my website examine our lives dot com where you can find information about

[00:01:31] my podcast information about myself.

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[00:01:59] Alright, so let's get back to business and without further ado, I'd like to welcome Walusky

[00:02:05] Diaz Burr.

[00:02:06] I'm known for about a decade now and based on her life experiences, I think that she would

[00:02:10] be the perfect person to talk about compatibility.

[00:02:13] Thank you so much, Jay smooth.

[00:02:14] I appreciate you having me on this episode and hopefully I am the perfect person to talk

[00:02:19] about compatibility.

[00:02:20] Alright, so you already know how I do.

[00:02:22] I'm also going to marry in web series and look up the definition of compatibility.

[00:02:25] Uh oh here we go looking up the definition.

[00:02:28] I love this part.

[00:02:29] I remember when I first met you and we were having a debate and you looked up a word

[00:02:34] that we were having a conflict on and you're the first person that I know who's done

[00:02:37] that.

[00:02:38] You looked up the definition, told me what the word meant and we still debated the meaning

[00:02:43] of the word.

[00:02:44] Yeah, anybody that listens to my podcast knows that I'm very big on semantics?

[00:02:50] And also expounded upon that and get into the deep of meaning.

[00:02:53] But at the end of the day, I'm not here to play the mental gymnastics game.

[00:02:57] The meaning of a word is just that.

[00:02:59] The meaning is simple and I'll deter from that.

[00:03:03] And I don't believe that it means what it means.

[00:03:06] And therein lies the conflict.

[00:03:08] Alright, let's get it boy.

[00:03:10] Indeed.

[00:03:11] And I will say that for as long as I've known you, you've always been a lover of words

[00:03:15] and I actually put you on to the word logophile.

[00:03:17] Yes you did.

[00:03:18] That means a lover of words.

[00:03:20] And I don't know about the rest of y'all, but I did not know what that word meant until

[00:03:24] I became an adult and I mean like years after I became an adult, you know what I'm saying?

[00:03:29] But that definitely describes her.

[00:03:31] She is certainly a lover of words now how she uses reasoning with those words.

[00:03:37] Well that's a whole different story.

[00:03:40] I do love words and the difference between you and I is you are very strict with the definition

[00:03:46] and sometimes I think that yes, that's the definition.

[00:03:49] But what I think they're saying is or the way we use it now is a little bit different

[00:03:54] from the original definition.

[00:03:55] So that's a debate that we get into often but you know we like to debate each other.

[00:03:59] So it's fun for us.

[00:04:01] So now that we've got some of those formalities out of the way, let me do my job and keep

[00:04:05] us on track.

[00:04:06] So according to Merriam Webser's the definition of compatibility is capable of existing

[00:04:11] together in harmony.

[00:04:12] It sounds pretty straightforward.

[00:04:14] But that's not always how it works when it's applied in the real world.

[00:04:17] Well at least that's been my experience but tell the audience what your experiences.

[00:04:22] So I think I agree with you, that is what compatibility is.

[00:04:26] But I also think that it depends on who you're trying to be compatible with because we can

[00:04:31] be compatible with anybody because we can find shared experiences.

[00:04:36] But if we're talking about something deeper as in being in a relationship then yeah compatibility

[00:04:41] has to go to a whole different level.

[00:04:44] Now you just said being in a relationship and I know that I can make an assumption

[00:04:47] and think that you're talking about a boyfriend, a girlfriend or a husband or wife.

[00:04:51] But I don't make assumptions.

[00:04:53] And from a technicality standpoint relationships come into all forms.

[00:04:57] So what exactly are you talking about when you say being in a relationship?

[00:05:01] I think what I mean is being with someone who you plan to spend maybe the rest of your

[00:05:06] life with so that will be your spouse.

[00:05:08] And that's one of the deepest relationships that you're going to create in your life.

[00:05:12] I know one of the things that we can't do is we can't pick our family, our parents,

[00:05:16] our siblings.

[00:05:17] But we do have the opportunity to really try to pick the person that we want to be with

[00:05:21] for the rest of our life.

[00:05:23] And that is such an important decision.

[00:05:26] Why don't you try to find out?

[00:05:28] Are we really compatible?

[00:05:29] Are the emotions that we're experiencing guiding us to thinking that we're compatible because

[00:05:34] I think that does happen quite often.

[00:05:37] I think a lot of times we do use our emotions as a means of gauging how much we like this

[00:05:42] person.

[00:05:43] We may connect with them because we're just having such a good time.

[00:05:46] This person is funny.

[00:05:48] This person does so much for me.

[00:05:50] All those things that make us feel the butterflies inside.

[00:05:54] But those aren't necessarily the things that are going to say if we're going to have a really

[00:05:58] fulfilling long lasting partnership and relationship.

[00:06:01] 100%.

[00:06:02] And that's where everything that I talked about in episodes one through four, your foundation,

[00:06:06] figure out who you are, figure out if you're conditional, unconditional, what your core

[00:06:10] values are.

[00:06:11] This is where all of that can be used to your advantage.

[00:06:14] You've got to examine yourself inwardly and look at just around us in your environment.

[00:06:18] And once you figure all of that out then now you can start thinking about long term.

[00:06:23] Who are the important people that I want in my life?

[00:06:26] And I agree with you on that.

[00:06:28] I think that knowing how you can be compatible with somebody means that you really have to

[00:06:33] know yourself.

[00:06:34] And that means you have to put in a lot of work to understand who you are and the things

[00:06:38] that are most important to you.

[00:06:40] I think that when we do things based off of our emotions, that can be self sabotaging.

[00:06:45] So you shouldn't really do anything when you're emotional right?

[00:06:47] They always tell us that.

[00:06:49] Take time.

[00:06:50] Cool off.

[00:06:51] Think about it.

[00:06:52] But I think that we don't do that when we quote unquote fall in love with somebody.

[00:06:56] All right hold on pump your brakes.

[00:06:59] Now the whole falling in love thing.

[00:07:02] I've never been a firm believer in that even saying that love is an emotion or a feeling.

[00:07:07] I've never been a firm believer in that neither.

[00:07:10] I think that love can produce feelings.

[00:07:12] I think that love can produce emotions 100% but the whole phone and love for and out

[00:07:18] of love stuff, it sounds good but I ain't buying what they selling.

[00:07:23] It's just never resonated with me.

[00:07:25] Love is a choice.

[00:07:26] You choose whether or not you want to love someone.

[00:07:29] Just like hate is a choice.

[00:07:30] You choose whether or not you want to hate somebody.

[00:07:33] It's the same thing but for some odd reason we have this magical aura that we want to put

[00:07:38] around love and I just can't explain it.

[00:07:40] I don't know why I love her.

[00:07:42] I don't know why I love him.

[00:07:43] But then y'all need to think about that.

[00:07:46] Yo Zan if you don't understand why you love somebody, that's a problem.

[00:07:50] You really need to examine that.

[00:07:52] Maybe it isn't love.

[00:07:53] Maybe it's just infatuation.

[00:07:55] Maybe you just miss someone.

[00:07:56] Maybe you just long for someone and I'm just using those as examples.

[00:08:00] But that's what we've been taught and we've been programmed to believe that it's such

[00:08:04] a overwhelming and magical feeling and is pretty straightforward.

[00:08:08] You know that somebody loves you based on their actions.

[00:08:11] Somebody could tell you that they love you and today blew in the face but if their actions

[00:08:14] don't show that, do they love you?

[00:08:16] I mean that's all for us to determine that but that's based on your actions.

[00:08:20] Faith without works is dead.

[00:08:22] That's a verse from the Bible.

[00:08:24] It's the same logic.

[00:08:25] If somebody tells you that they love you, how do you know that?

[00:08:28] Not just because they said it because of their works, because of their actions, what they

[00:08:32] do.

[00:08:33] That's how you know that.

[00:08:34] This shouldn't be difficult.

[00:08:36] Feelings and emotions come and go but love stands forever and that right there, that's

[00:08:41] the power of love.

[00:08:42] But it's up to us if we want to exercise that.

[00:08:45] But I digress this is just one man's opinion and I get a little triggered whenever I hear

[00:08:50] people talk about falling in love.

[00:08:52] That's all.

[00:08:54] No, I know that you've always told me that but I do think that that is what people

[00:08:58] based love on.

[00:09:00] The feelings of it, the emotions of it, oh, it feels so good.

[00:09:04] Oh, I'm on a high and I can't stop thinking about this person or a day I want to contact

[00:09:09] this person and that is wonderful.

[00:09:12] Again, self sabotage because I think when you think about loving that way, you aren't

[00:09:17] thinking about the things that are the most valuable to you as a person.

[00:09:21] If this person understands me, if this person will do as much for me as I will do for them,

[00:09:28] how did this person handle conflict?

[00:09:30] If we have conflict in relationships, there's always conflict.

[00:09:35] What this person does and financial situations, how we're going to build together, all of those

[00:09:40] things are not based on emotions.

[00:09:42] It's not based on the fun that you had.

[00:09:45] It's not based on sex and how great the sex may be.

[00:09:49] Those are the emotions but I think that if we think deeper about it and if we think on

[00:09:54] compatibility, what we want for our lives and how we want that person to partner with

[00:09:59] that, all of those things are enhanced.

[00:10:02] So I think sometimes people move backwards if you know what I mean.

[00:10:07] I do know what you mean and I agree but it looked like you had a little bit more than

[00:10:11] you wanted to say.

[00:10:12] Continue.

[00:10:13] I think in a friendship compatibility means something else, right?

[00:10:17] We can talk with that person.

[00:10:19] We have such a great time with that person but we may not need to solve our conflicts together

[00:10:24] in a way that is going to mean that emotionally we are in tune.

[00:10:29] But when you are in a relationship, why are you shaking your head?

[00:10:35] I'm shaking my head because that's yes and no for me.

[00:10:38] It all depends on the person in this situation.

[00:10:41] But I do agree that when it comes to a partnership, there's a lot more that goes into that than

[00:10:45] the friendship.

[00:10:46] That's a fact.

[00:10:47] But there's definitely people out there that have conflicts with their friends and they

[00:10:53] definitely have to learn how to deal with those conflicts together and those friends

[00:10:57] could be causing an unrestress to these people's lives.

[00:11:01] You know what I mean?

[00:11:02] And I'm not saying that it's the equivalent of being in a partnership with somebody where

[00:11:05] you see them every day, I'm not saying that.

[00:11:07] But I'm just saying, friendships could cause a lot of damage in strife as well.

[00:11:11] This is true but if you're my friend, I can go home.

[00:11:15] I can get away from you.

[00:11:17] If you are my partner, I'm going home to you.

[00:11:19] I'm staying in the conflict.

[00:11:21] So that's why it is really important to understand who you are with.

[00:11:27] One of the things that I know for me is I am a very emotional person and when I get emotional,

[00:11:34] watch out.

[00:11:35] Sometimes I can say certain things that I really don't mean because it's in the moment.

[00:11:39] So for me, one of the key things that I know about myself is that I need a partner who

[00:11:44] knows how to calm me down.

[00:11:46] Maybe let me rant, maybe stop me from ranting, but they always have to calm me down.

[00:11:53] I don't mind being with someone who is emotional also, but I'll tell you right now if they

[00:11:57] amp up my emotions when I'm emotional because they are upset then more than likely, it's

[00:12:03] going to spill into something that we're just going to start yelling at each other and

[00:12:07] I know for me over time that erodes something in me when I'm in a relationship with that person.

[00:12:13] I know, pause.

[00:12:14] I absolutely agree with you when you said that when it comes to a partnership, we always

[00:12:18] have to go home to that person and we're constantly in conflict.

[00:12:21] It's not the same thing as a friendship.

[00:12:23] I agree with that.

[00:12:25] And I think that I made myself clear when I spoke before.

[00:12:27] I was just making a point that friends do cause stress, that was all.

[00:12:31] But I did want to ask you a question.

[00:12:32] Where did you attain all of this knowledge wisdom and understanding?

[00:12:36] Where did it all start for you?

[00:12:37] What was your foundation?

[00:12:39] How did you get to this place?

[00:12:40] Yeah.

[00:12:41] Okay.

[00:12:43] So I will say, I have had to do a lot of reflecting on the relationships that I've had.

[00:12:50] Reflecting?

[00:12:51] Yes, reflecting.

[00:12:53] I know you're big on that.

[00:12:54] So yeah, I think that one of the things that people don't do enough is reflect.

[00:12:59] Again, when I talked about self-sabotage before based on emotions, I think if you don't

[00:13:05] reflect your sabotaging yourself, we really need to know a lot about who we are.

[00:13:10] You have to have a developed emotional point of view.

[00:13:15] And that point of view has to target who you are as a person.

[00:13:19] If you don't know who you are and what makes you tick and what you want in somebody else,

[00:13:24] that's a major problem.

[00:13:26] And I think part of dating gives you an opportunity to do that.

[00:13:30] It's like you can test out the waters, right?

[00:13:32] It's a soft test.

[00:13:34] And when people do certain things that you don't like, a lot of times I think in relationships

[00:13:38] based on our emotions and how we feel about the person that we're with, we forget about

[00:13:44] that.

[00:13:45] We throw that out the window because we're so caught up in the good feelings that

[00:13:49] we're having.

[00:13:50] We ignore that this person just did some red flag things that we know that we don't like.

[00:13:56] And that's the things that we have to really think about and stop and evaluate.

[00:14:01] Critical thinking.

[00:14:02] Indeed, critical thinking is very important.

[00:14:05] And you just said a lot.

[00:14:07] And I always say a lot.

[00:14:10] You ain't never lie.

[00:14:12] But I agree with you.

[00:14:13] I think that many people compromise who they are just for the sake of a relationship.

[00:14:17] And those red flags that you were talking about, a lot of us disregard them.

[00:14:21] You know when we have that gut feeling and we know something isn't right and we just suppress

[00:14:25] it and we just throw it by the wayside like it doesn't exist?

[00:14:29] Yeah, that's what many of us do.

[00:14:31] We don't trust our intuition because emotionally we're on a high.

[00:14:34] We feel good.

[00:14:36] That person tells us what we want to hear.

[00:14:38] They validate us.

[00:14:39] We enjoy their company, but none of that necessarily has to equate to a fulfilling and long-lasting

[00:14:44] relationship.

[00:14:45] And to take it a step further, there's a bunch of us out there that don't even know who

[00:14:49] we are to begin with.

[00:14:50] Now, we don't even have a foundation.

[00:14:52] So we're using a relationship as our foundation.

[00:14:56] And there's nothing wrong with getting happiness and fulfillment from a relationship.

[00:15:00] That's dope.

[00:15:01] If we don't have a solid foundation and we don't know who we are, then now we're playing

[00:15:06] with fire.

[00:15:07] Because if something were to happen in that relationship and it doesn't work out, then

[00:15:11] our foundation crumbles.

[00:15:12] We put all of our eggs in one basket and that's never a good idea.

[00:15:16] And now when the shift gears and acts you, what does your foundation start?

[00:15:20] That's a very good question.

[00:15:22] My foundation actually started in childhood when I was a child.

[00:15:26] I was very introspective.

[00:15:28] I thought a lot.

[00:15:29] I have two siblings and one is six years older than I am, and the other one is five years

[00:15:35] younger.

[00:15:36] They're both boys.

[00:15:37] And so I think because of that, because of the year difference, I had a lot of time

[00:15:43] sort of the beat of myself.

[00:15:44] Because when you are 10 years old, did your 16, 17-year-old brother want to hang out with

[00:15:49] you?

[00:15:50] Probably not, right?

[00:15:51] When you're 10, do you want to hang out with your four or five-year-old brother?

[00:15:55] Probably not.

[00:15:56] Give me a lot of time to think of what I wanted to have in my life, how I wanted my life

[00:16:00] to look.

[00:16:01] I thought a lot about my future and I think a lot of young people don't do that.

[00:16:06] And honestly, I know we're talking about compatibility, but I do think that that's

[00:16:10] one of the things that you should teach your children to do is really think about their

[00:16:14] lives when they're young.

[00:16:16] Have those conversations with them.

[00:16:17] So in doing that, I had an idea of what I wanted my future to be like.

[00:16:22] I knew that I wanted children.

[00:16:23] I knew that I wanted to travel.

[00:16:25] I knew that I wanted to own my own home, be financially capable, to do other things,

[00:16:32] fun things with each other.

[00:16:33] So those are the things that I thought about.

[00:16:35] But I also knew that I wanted a person that I could have a lot of fun with, hang out

[00:16:39] with, and I also am a homebody.

[00:16:42] So I wanted somebody who didn't always want to go out and have fun.

[00:16:45] So I wanted that balance.

[00:16:48] So that's a dope background that you just gave us.

[00:16:50] And the point that you brought up pertaining to children when it comes to them learning about

[00:16:54] themselves, figuring out who they are, thinking about what they want out of life.

[00:16:59] That's very important.

[00:17:00] And I know that everything that you're talking about, you put that into action because

[00:17:04] I know that you have those same types of conversations with your son.

[00:17:07] And I want to say that the fact that you're able to answer these questions so easily,

[00:17:11] that's a reflection of your reflection.

[00:17:16] You know, I always got through the word of play and the entendres into this.

[00:17:20] Nah, but seriously, that is a reflection of all the work that you have put in to reflect

[00:17:25] on your life and know who you are.

[00:17:27] But with all of that being said, I know that you were talking about your foundation

[00:17:31] and knowing what you wanted out of a relationship.

[00:17:33] But can you also talk about your foundation and reference to you being an individual that

[00:17:37] has nothing to do with a partnership at all?

[00:17:40] Okay, so I will tell you one of the things that I found out about myself is that I'm

[00:17:44] really loyal.

[00:17:46] And I knew that when I was young.

[00:17:47] I am an introvert and an extrovert at the same time.

[00:17:52] And so I think one of the things that I do is I can make friendships really fast.

[00:17:56] I can talk to people on the street, hi, how you're doing?

[00:18:00] I'm just, I'm really a personable person, but I'm also an introvert.

[00:18:03] So that means that I like to have a close circle of friends and all my friends who are in

[00:18:11] my close circle.

[00:18:12] They think that I have a whole circle of 100 other friends because they see me as a

[00:18:17] friend.

[00:18:18] I am and people sort of tend to gravitate to me, but in reality, there are people that I'm

[00:18:23] really, really close to.

[00:18:25] And those are the people that I show my loyalty to.

[00:18:29] So I will do anything for friends.

[00:18:31] I will do anything for family.

[00:18:33] I will help acquaintances.

[00:18:34] I just have that kind of big heart.

[00:18:36] Not a fact you do.

[00:18:38] We definitely do.

[00:18:39] So because of that, I have found that in any of my relationships, if people aren't as

[00:18:45] loyal to me, it doesn't seem like I'm going to be able to do anything.

[00:18:47] Those tend to hurt me somewhat.

[00:18:49] Hmm, that's interesting.

[00:18:51] That sounds very similar to what I spoke about on episode three of my podcasts.

[00:18:56] Conditional versus unconditional.

[00:18:58] You sound like an unconditional person that gives you an older someone, your love, your

[00:19:01] care, support, no matter the circumstances.

[00:19:05] But you may have conditional people in your life that may not give you the same type

[00:19:08] of treatment and return.

[00:19:10] It's not reciprocated.

[00:19:11] And over time, it whizz when you hurt you.

[00:19:14] And you also don't feel appreciated.

[00:19:16] That's what it sounds like you're saying to me.

[00:19:18] Absolutely.

[00:19:19] That is the case.

[00:19:20] And I have also found that I'm actually someone that people take advantage of because

[00:19:24] I tend to be really nice.

[00:19:26] I don't know how to say no, and that's something that I think people need to learn how

[00:19:30] to do.

[00:19:31] It's important.

[00:19:32] And I'm just giving.

[00:19:33] And so people know that.

[00:19:34] And I think sometimes if you're dealing with the wrong people in your life, then they

[00:19:38] will take advantage of you.

[00:19:39] Not so far.

[00:19:41] I think it's very easy to take advantage of someone who has a good heart.

[00:19:44] Someone who is very loving, caring.

[00:19:47] Someone who will make sacrifices, no matter the situation, no matter the conditions.

[00:19:51] And I also think that it's easy to take advantage of people like that intentionally or

[00:19:55] unintentionally because I think that when you know that someone is going to be there

[00:19:59] for you, no matter what, someone is going to be helpful and they'll do anything to make

[00:20:03] you happy, you can subconsciously take advantage of them at times as possible.

[00:20:08] So that's why it's always good to have a balance and it's always good to set boundaries

[00:20:13] and not to take what people that you're dealing with.

[00:20:15] But my personal opinion is if you are someone who's very giving and you will go to the end

[00:20:20] of the earth to help others in your life that you love and care about, then you also need

[00:20:25] to put people in your life got a light-minded.

[00:20:27] And that could diminish or eliminate you having people in your life that'll take advantage

[00:20:31] of you.

[00:20:32] And now you'll be in a situation where you're not only a giver but a receiver also.

[00:20:37] So keeping in mind everything that I just said, I do have a question for you.

[00:20:40] Do you believe that it's very important for people to have similar core values, the

[00:20:45] same core values or can those core values differ?

[00:20:48] We should take on that.

[00:20:49] Oh, most definitely.

[00:20:51] I think that it's so important to find someone who has the same values as we do because

[00:20:57] you have to be aligned.

[00:20:58] If you are misaligned then I think that that causes so many problems within the relationship.

[00:21:04] But if your core values are similar, then I think that makes things easier for you.

[00:21:10] Because there are always going to be conflicts in a relationship.

[00:21:13] Always something is going to happen.

[00:21:15] But if your values are the same, I think it's easier for people to work things out.

[00:21:20] If you have different values then we're going to argue about it.

[00:21:23] It's going to cause conflict.

[00:21:25] And I think that one of the things is when we don't know people in that way because

[00:21:31] the fantasy of all the emotions that I've talked to before and not the things that are

[00:21:35] core when that gets in the way, I think that then we have misunderstanding.

[00:21:41] So when we have conflicts, I'm thinking why is this person doing that?

[00:21:45] I don't understand why this person continues to do that.

[00:21:48] The reason that you don't understand is because you don't understand their values.

[00:21:53] And that's why I think it's so important to understand who you are with, to understand

[00:21:57] your values and to make sure that they're similar because I think in a relationship,

[00:22:01] you should sort of want the same things.

[00:22:03] I mean we're different people but you sort of need to be going in the same direction.

[00:22:09] So I agree and disagree with what you're saying, but oh my gosh, you you be saying that

[00:22:15] I said too much.

[00:22:16] Yeah, you said a lot.

[00:22:18] Sorry.

[00:22:19] Well, then please stop.

[00:22:20] You're good.

[00:22:21] And besides, I do these podcasts all the time so clearly I enjoy talking as well.

[00:22:28] So I'm going to start with what I disagree with.

[00:22:30] And you just said that the conflicts arise from people not understanding each other's

[00:22:34] values.

[00:22:35] There is validity to that, but I don't necessarily agree with that and it's funny how I just

[00:22:39] use the word agree because many times it's not really about understanding, but agreement.

[00:22:45] I could understand which of core values are 100% but they may not allow my core values.

[00:22:50] That's not a lack of understanding.

[00:22:52] That's a lack of compatibility and agreement.

[00:22:55] People use understanding and agreement synonymously interchangeably so often that it's not even

[00:23:01] funny.

[00:23:02] I'm telling y'all, but it's not correct.

[00:23:04] So I just wanted to make that clear.

[00:23:06] The other stuff that you were saying, I agree with you.

[00:23:09] Now let's play a game of devil's advocate though.

[00:23:12] Two people can be in a successful relationship and have different core values.

[00:23:15] Your core values may not be the same, but those differences don't cause any type of friction.

[00:23:21] But then on the other hand, as you stated, if you do have core values that are aligned

[00:23:26] and y'all agree with each other, you have the same mindset, you have the same goals, then

[00:23:31] obviously that could play a huge part in determining whether or not you're going to have

[00:23:34] a successful and fulfilling relationship.

[00:23:37] There's no doubt about that at all.

[00:23:38] Well, I mean, I agree with you and I also disagree with you.

[00:23:42] I think that if someone does something and it doesn't bother me, then we're compatible.

[00:23:48] I'm okay with that.

[00:23:49] I agree with the things that you do.

[00:23:52] Or even if I disagree, we're compatible because that doesn't bother me.

[00:23:56] But if it does bother me, then I think that that is the...

[00:24:00] Yo, I said that.

[00:24:02] No.

[00:24:03] Yo, that's what I said.

[00:24:04] That's what I said, yo.

[00:24:05] That's not what you said.

[00:24:07] I said if y'all don't have the same core values, I said that that's okay.

[00:24:11] It doesn't necessarily have to be a problem.

[00:24:13] And to be exact, I said that two people could be in a successful relationship with different

[00:24:18] core values.

[00:24:19] I literally said that, yo.

[00:24:20] But when I played devil's advocate, I was just talking about when you made the statement

[00:24:24] that your core values have to be aligned and that if your values are different than you're

[00:24:29] going to argue, I'm just saying that that's not necessarily true.

[00:24:32] That's all that I was saying.

[00:24:34] But I can be very big on some basics, which you already know.

[00:24:37] And I listen to every word that you say and I just wanted to address it.

[00:24:40] That was all.

[00:24:41] We're on the same page.

[00:24:43] But as you and many others would tell me, I'm just being difficult.

[00:24:47] And I understand that.

[00:24:48] I think that we do have to be careful because we want to make sure that we don't make a

[00:24:53] handful of good qualities and good values that we see in someone.

[00:24:58] We don't want to make that into great.

[00:25:01] If you have a handful of good qualities, that doesn't mean that everything else is great.

[00:25:05] So that's all I'm trying to say.

[00:25:07] Alignment.

[00:25:08] Similar values.

[00:25:09] Compatibility.

[00:25:10] I think that's the key.

[00:25:11] Absolutely.

[00:25:12] There's another thing that I wanted to talk about, which I tend to see so often.

[00:25:18] Yes.

[00:25:19] And it's really something that's very disheartening to me to be honest with deep sigh.

[00:25:25] My goodness.

[00:25:26] What is that?

[00:25:27] So when it comes to relationships, it seems like people are so dead set on changing who

[00:25:33] their partner is and molding and shaping them into what they want.

[00:25:37] So we hear that compromise is important.

[00:25:40] And it definitely is important.

[00:25:42] But at what point does compromise turn into sabotage?

[00:25:45] Ooh, okay.

[00:25:46] You're talking about that beautiful fantasy that we have.

[00:25:49] You're talking about that lie that we tell ourselves.

[00:25:52] It's nothing but a killer of time.

[00:25:54] I think that we put ourselves in the position of when we first met this person.

[00:25:59] Everything was so great and all these beautiful qualities that they had and all the wonderful

[00:26:03] times that we shared with them.

[00:26:05] And over the years, we keep backtracking and expecting them to be the person that they

[00:26:10] were when we first met them.

[00:26:12] Well, that's a fantasy.

[00:26:13] And if we continue to be in that fantasy and for years and years, we expect somebody

[00:26:19] to be who we think they are, who they showed us to be, showed themselves to be.

[00:26:25] And sometimes that's just not the reality.

[00:26:28] And the one thing that we always have to remember is we can't change anybody.

[00:26:33] And we shouldn't necessarily be looking to change anyone.

[00:26:37] We want them to be who they are and to bring their full self into a relationship.

[00:26:43] If we don't do that, and we start picking them apart, we start telling them the things

[00:26:48] that we don't like about them, we start saying to them, oh, can you change this?

[00:26:53] Oh, I don't like when you do that.

[00:26:56] Those negative things can affect the other person.

[00:26:59] And I think most of us know that people do run from negativity.

[00:27:02] And if I am hitting you with the facts of how you treat me and the things that you do

[00:27:07] that I don't like, you're going to run from that.

[00:27:09] A lot of times that's why they say positive reinforcement.

[00:27:12] When you have an argument with somebody and you're having a conflict with somebody, you're

[00:27:17] kind of be a negative most of the times because you're in the emotions of it.

[00:27:20] And that person is feeling beat up on.

[00:27:23] And they're going to run from those realities.

[00:27:25] I don't know about people who are always running from negativity.

[00:27:28] They are a ton of negative people out here in these streets.

[00:27:31] And as they say, misery loves company.

[00:27:34] But I definitely understand what you were saying and I agree with you for the most part.

[00:27:38] But it's funny because I agree with most of what you say, sprinkle with a little bit

[00:27:42] of disagreement.

[00:27:43] You know what I'm saying?

[00:27:44] Yeah, I will say then that negativity is not an instrument of change.

[00:27:50] That's what I mean.

[00:27:51] I mean, yes and no again, being negative can lead to change, being positive can lead

[00:27:58] to change, being around a positive environment, a negative environment.

[00:28:01] They all can lead to change.

[00:28:03] I don't necessarily agree that only positivity can produce change.

[00:28:08] There are things that can happen in someone's life from a negative perspective and it helps

[00:28:11] them to change positively.

[00:28:12] So I don't necessarily agree that that's true.

[00:28:16] And I want to make myself clear, I'm not saying that negative energy is good.

[00:28:20] I've said multiple times that we shouldn't want negative energy in our lives 100%.

[00:28:24] I'm just speaking more from a technicality standpoint.

[00:28:27] Change can be brought upon by both positive and negative circumstances.

[00:28:32] That's all that I'm arguing.

[00:28:34] I agree with you, but if you're being negative about my personality and the person that

[00:28:38] I am then that is going to be something that's going to be harsh because it is hard to

[00:28:44] change your personality.

[00:28:45] It takes a lot of work to change your personality and to have to change your personality for

[00:28:51] someone else that shows that you're not compatible.

[00:28:54] People do try to change their personality to be with someone else and I think that that

[00:28:59] can be the kiss of death.

[00:29:00] Yes, the kiss of death.

[00:29:03] Your personality is your personality, but seriously, I don't think that people's personalities

[00:29:07] change.

[00:29:08] I think that people can try to put in work to suppress their personality and to suppress

[00:29:13] what comes natural to them.

[00:29:15] But I don't think that people really are going to change who they are, who you are, who

[00:29:17] you are from, what you are when you were first born to which you are today, that's you.

[00:29:22] Yes we grow older, yes we mature, yes we gain wisdom.

[00:29:26] But all of that doesn't mean that your personality changes.

[00:29:30] Now as far as your character, now that can change.

[00:29:33] That's my personal opinion.

[00:29:34] You can change your character.

[00:29:35] But I also want to touch on something else that you just said and this is one of those

[00:29:39] common misconceptions that people have when it comes to relationships.

[00:29:42] Like when you just said that, oh, you can't expect them to be what they were in the beginning

[00:29:46] and that's true.

[00:29:47] Especially for people who poured on thinking the beginning, yeah, I think that we all

[00:29:51] have a common understanding of that.

[00:29:53] But now let's take it a step further and I'm talking about people showing you literally

[00:29:57] who they are in the beginning, but you don't believe them and you're expecting them to

[00:30:01] be something that they're not.

[00:30:03] Fam, this is as a non-behavior.

[00:30:06] That type of mentality is so counterproductive that it's like what you said, it's a waste

[00:30:12] of time.

[00:30:13] Why be with somebody that's not fitting for you?

[00:30:16] And then you want to waste all this time working on them?

[00:30:19] Really?

[00:30:20] Nah, there's no reason for you to work on anyone.

[00:30:23] That person is who they are and let them be them.

[00:30:26] I believe that you should let somebody be 100% true to who they are.

[00:30:30] And if they don't work for you, then they don't work for you.

[00:30:32] It's not the end of the world.

[00:30:33] It really isn't that serious show.

[00:30:35] It really isn't, but we just put such an onus on finding that right person and oh yeah,

[00:30:40] and I have to make it work with him.

[00:30:42] Well, I gotta make it work with her.

[00:30:44] Why?

[00:30:45] You don't have to do that at all.

[00:30:47] And like Cam said and paid him full, homies get shot every day at Harlem, be.

[00:30:51] You'll be I, you tough right?

[00:30:54] Now that's an extreme example, but it still stands.

[00:30:57] You'll be I, if somebody doesn't work for you in your life, it's all good.

[00:31:01] You'll be okay.

[00:31:03] I agree with you and I think that some of this goes back to when we make a decision to

[00:31:08] be with someone based on our emotions.

[00:31:11] I think that a lot of times when you're so excited about being with this person and you're

[00:31:15] having so much fun, that some of the things that they do that bother you, you can ignore

[00:31:20] it.

[00:31:21] But over a lifetime and things change in the relationship, you know, real life issues

[00:31:26] come into it.

[00:31:27] It's harder to ignore because the butterflies are not there five years, ten years, fifteen

[00:31:33] years.

[00:31:34] Now you're into a real life situation.

[00:31:36] And when you're into a real life situation and this person is no longer prioritizing, maybe

[00:31:41] sweeping you off your feet, giving you gifts.

[00:31:44] I did that.

[00:31:45] I did that twenty years ago.

[00:31:47] I'm not continuing to do that, right?

[00:31:49] No one pursues and chases someone for twenty years.

[00:31:51] I have you.

[00:31:52] So now real life comes into play.

[00:31:55] More of the person who you truly are comes into play.

[00:31:58] And that's when you have to know who you are and who they are and make sure that you

[00:32:03] are compatible.

[00:32:04] Right.

[00:32:05] So I had one last topic that I wanted to bring up.

[00:32:08] And it's essentially pertaining to relationships that have more of a parent and child dynamic

[00:32:14] and less of a partnership dynamic.

[00:32:16] A relationship where you have one person that acts like a parent and they're dealing with

[00:32:20] the other person, like there are child that's talking down to them, they're lecturing

[00:32:24] them and they viewed them as being immature.

[00:32:27] And on the other hand, you have the other person who may be more immature and they have

[00:32:32] more of that childlike behavior or a childlike mindset, but they don't want to hear what the

[00:32:37] other person is saying because now they think that they're not able to do anything right.

[00:32:41] And there are a lot of people who have relationships like this and it's not truly a partnership

[00:32:46] where each person is carrying their own weight and their buildings together.

[00:32:50] Could you briefly touch on that though?

[00:32:52] If you're trying to change your partner, if you are nagging your partner and lecturing

[00:32:58] them, then you may be parenting them.

[00:33:02] And I'm sure you don't want a parent and adult and for your partner, I'm sure they aren't

[00:33:06] looking to have someone who is going to raise them all over again.

[00:33:10] They're an adult and they don't need to be parented.

[00:33:12] Beautifully said, so I want to leave you all with these clothes and remarks.

[00:33:16] And this is just my own personal wisdom.

[00:33:18] You can agree with me, you could disagree with me.

[00:33:20] It really doesn't matter.

[00:33:21] It's just one man's thoughts.

[00:33:23] I think that we need to stop putting expectations on people who don't deserve them.

[00:33:28] And when I say don't deserve them, I'm not talking about us saying that this person

[00:33:32] is beneath us, we're too good for them.

[00:33:35] They're not in our class.

[00:33:37] None of that superiority complex garbage.

[00:33:39] None of that.

[00:33:40] I'm talking about the fact that they don't deserve it because it's not who they are.

[00:33:44] We tend to put unrealistic expectations on people and then when they don't come through

[00:33:48] and do what we want them to do, we get upset, we resent them, we get sad, we get down,

[00:33:53] we get frustrated and then we want to argue with them.

[00:33:56] We have to be able to identify and see this from the beginning.

[00:34:01] The foundation right?

[00:34:03] But we honestly do have to be able to recognize these signs and red flags from the beginning.

[00:34:07] Know who you are, know who you're dealing with.

[00:34:11] Stop putting expectations on people who are not going to meet them.

[00:34:15] It's unfair to you and it's unfair to them because you're going to feel upset.

[00:34:20] You're going to feel like you don't matter.

[00:34:22] You're going to feel like wow, they can't do that for me.

[00:34:24] That's messed up.

[00:34:25] It's such a small thing.

[00:34:26] Why can't you do that?

[00:34:27] It's a small thing to you but it might not be small for the person that you're putting

[00:34:31] those expectations on.

[00:34:33] And for them, they start to feel bad about themselves and then they feel horrible because

[00:34:37] they think that they're not good enough for you and they're not able to meet your expectations

[00:34:42] and give you what you're asking for.

[00:34:44] We have to be able to see this from the beginning, but like Wellesky and I talked about

[00:34:47] earlier, a lot of us get caught up in the field good stuff having fun, having a good time

[00:34:53] and we don't really examine ourselves or other people.

[00:34:56] We don't examine who somebody is.

[00:34:59] We don't put the time into understanding somebody on a deeper level at all.

[00:35:03] Many of us don't even know how to scratch the surface, let alone get him past the surface.

[00:35:08] It's very superficial.

[00:35:09] That doesn't last.

[00:35:11] There's no longevity in that.

[00:35:12] So I actually ought to put the work in to truly understand yourself and understand others

[00:35:18] and understand what they're about.

[00:35:20] What are their core values?

[00:35:21] What are their goals?

[00:35:22] What are your core values?

[00:35:24] What are your goals?

[00:35:25] And stop trying to force relationships just for the sake of a relationship, yo.

[00:35:30] This disgust in his basura.

[00:35:32] I personally love the naturality of a relationship.

[00:35:36] You know what I'm saying?

[00:35:37] That's what I'm always about.

[00:35:38] Anybody that knows me knows that.

[00:35:39] I'm about being who you are 100% and a relationship being natural.

[00:35:45] There's a natural understanding of each other.

[00:35:47] There's a natural understanding of what we both want out of life and what we deem to be

[00:35:51] fulfillment.

[00:35:52] There's a genuine desire to make each other happy, not doing things with people because

[00:35:58] oh, they like it.

[00:35:59] And I mean, I don't care for it and I don't really want to do it for them.

[00:36:02] But they like it all in a name of compromise, right?

[00:36:05] All in a name of compromise.

[00:36:08] I am so tired of hearing that, yo.

[00:36:11] Compromise is beautiful.

[00:36:12] It's a wonderful thing.

[00:36:13] But like I said before, when compromise turns into sabotage, then now we have a different

[00:36:18] type of problem on our hands.

[00:36:21] Stop compromising our core values.

[00:36:23] Stop compromising who we are just for the sake of a relationship.

[00:36:27] We need to create our boundaries.

[00:36:29] We need to set our boundaries and we need to commit to our boundaries.

[00:36:33] And remember, compatibility is about harmony.

[00:36:36] So if we're in a relationship and there's an unhealthy amount of compromise going on

[00:36:41] and there's a lot of stress, there's a lot of unhappiness, there's a lot of arguing,

[00:36:45] there's a lot of confusion, there's a lot of resentment and anger, then we really need

[00:36:49] to reflect and think about what we're doing.

[00:36:52] What's the point?

[00:36:53] We really need to take a step back and look at everybody in our lives, everybody.

[00:36:58] Partners, families, friends and think about if they're compatible.

[00:37:03] Think about if the people in our lives are harmonious for where we want to go and who

[00:37:07] we want to be because I know I'm personally not in the business to tell people to be someone

[00:37:12] that they are not.

[00:37:13] That's a fruitless task and I'm also not in the business to tell people who they should

[00:37:17] and should not have any lives.

[00:37:19] I'm not the love doctor.

[00:37:21] You know what I'm saying?

[00:37:22] I'm not.

[00:37:23] But if we want compatibility, if we want harmony, if we want peace, if we want

[00:37:28] fulfillment, then the only thing that I will say to everyone is examine, scrutinize, critically

[00:37:34] observe your lives.

[00:37:36] I've said this countless of times.

[00:37:39] There's no difference when it comes to compatibility and relationships, no difference at all.

[00:37:44] I just ask that each and every one of us utilize our brain in a meaningful way because

[00:37:49] regardless if you look at life as being too short or if you think that you have a lot

[00:37:53] of time to live on this earth, any decision that you make in your life can have a long-term

[00:37:57] effect on you.

[00:37:58] So just make sure that you're planning the necessary work in to make critical decisions

[00:38:03] that align with who you are and what you stand for.

[00:38:07] It's your life and I said this before and I'm going to reiterate it, you make it what

[00:38:12] you want it to be.

[00:38:13] And when it comes to compatibility, you choose who you want in your life.

[00:38:17] No one should have the power to choose that for you.

[00:38:20] Woo!

[00:38:21] That's a lot that I have to get off my chest.

[00:38:23] Yes, it was.

[00:38:24] I see you're trying to be long-winded like me, my goodness.

[00:38:28] Yeah, cool it.

[00:38:31] Now before I get out of here, I want to give a special shout out and thanks to Waleski

[00:38:35] for being on my podcast.

[00:38:37] I appreciate your participation, your wisdom and your knowledge.

[00:38:41] And I'm definitely going to have you on my platform again, that's a fact.

[00:38:44] What?

[00:38:45] Is there at the end of the episode?

[00:38:47] That was so much fun.

[00:38:49] Thank you for inviting me and I hope to come again.

[00:38:51] We're almost at like 39 minutes right now.

[00:38:54] Most of my episodes will be around 25 to 30 minutes.

[00:38:58] So?

[00:38:59] Ooh, so that means what?

[00:39:01] There's compatibility?

[00:39:02] Nah, it just means that you talk a lot.

[00:39:04] Oh!

[00:39:05] But nah, I usually get straight to the point where my episodes but it is what it is.

[00:39:12] And this episode was dope.

[00:39:13] Everything that we set out to do, we accomplished it.

[00:39:16] So good job.

[00:39:18] Thank you.

[00:39:19] Nah, thank you.

[00:39:20] I hope you all found this information to be helpful and remember, figure out what compatibility

[00:39:25] is to you.

[00:39:26] It's specific to every single one of y'all.

[00:39:28] There is no general compatibility rule, it's based on the individual.

[00:39:33] And once you figure that out?

[00:39:34] Uh-oh, I know what's coming next.

[00:39:36] Yo, mind your business.

[00:39:38] Like I was saying before.

[00:39:40] And once you figure that out, you'll be moving along the path of a life that's worth living.

[00:39:46] I'm your host, Jay Smooth.

[00:39:48] And thank you for listening to the Life on Examine.

[00:39:50] It's not worth living.

[00:39:52] And we outta here.

[00:39:53] Peace.