Episode 7: Picked To Survive

[00:00:00] .

[00:00:30] This video is sponsored by

[00:00:31] The

[00:00:32] I'm your host J.Smoove and welcome to the life

[00:00:38] unexamined is not worth living and we are on episode 7,

[00:00:43] Pick to Survive.

[00:00:44] Now before I get started you will confirm you are spotifying Apple and there all of y'all

[00:00:50] can follow and subscribe to my podcast.

[00:00:53] Also I ask that you please take the time out to leave me both for rating and review.

[00:00:57] Follow me on IG at the underscore life underscore unexamined underscore podcast.

[00:01:07] And there I'll be sharing some video content of me discussing various topics that I talk

[00:01:12] about on my episodes during the week and I'll also be sharing my words of the day to keep

[00:01:16] you actively thinking.

[00:01:18] And please visit my website examine our lives dot com where you can find information

[00:01:23] about my podcast information about myself.

[00:01:26] You can find information about the guests that I have on my episodes.

[00:01:30] I have some blogs that I'm putting together as well and if you want to reach out to

[00:01:33] me you can hit me up on my website any suggestions, feedback and questions that you may have.

[00:01:40] Please don't hesitate to ask and if it makes it easier for y'all you can also leave me a

[00:01:45] voice message on my website and who knows.

[00:01:48] I may end up playing a message on one of my episodes with your consent of course.

[00:01:53] I had so let's get back to business.

[00:01:56] And today I have a special guest very strong woman who has been through a great deal of trauma,

[00:02:01] a great deal of loss relationship issues but she's had today she's persevered and she's

[00:02:07] headed to her story not only with her voice but she also has written a book called Picked

[00:02:13] to Survive and this woman also has a masters and organizational leadership and a masters

[00:02:18] and social work and without further ado I'd like to introduce Gwendolyn Taylor.

[00:02:25] Good evening.

[00:02:33] Thank you for taking the time to be on my platform.

[00:02:35] I'm very happy to have you.

[00:02:37] I'm happy to be here.

[00:02:39] Before we get started you're definitely going to have some time to talk about your book,

[00:02:43] talk about the reason why you wrote that book and where you are today but whatever episode

[00:02:49] that I have where I have a guest on always start with the beginning of the foundation.

[00:02:54] So please tell my audience what was your foundation, what was your beginning when did you figure

[00:03:00] out who you were and the person that you were going to become?

[00:03:03] Yeah that's an excellent question.

[00:03:06] Right off the top of my head who am I?

[00:03:08] I'm a mother.

[00:03:09] I'm a woman.

[00:03:11] I am a professional.

[00:03:14] I'm a teacher.

[00:03:15] I'm a social worker.

[00:03:16] I am a minister.

[00:03:18] I'm a lot of things depending on who you're asking.

[00:03:20] I'm a supervisor.

[00:03:21] I'm a director.

[00:03:22] So depending on who you're asking the question to they may say that I am a lot of things

[00:03:27] so I do.

[00:03:28] I wear a lot of hats.

[00:03:29] I'm a sister.

[00:03:30] I'm an aunt.

[00:03:31] I'm a caretaker and all of these things make up who I am and all of these things has

[00:03:37] built my foundation from a young girl to the woman I am now.

[00:03:41] I'm all of these things.

[00:03:42] I have embraced all of these things and I guess as we get further along all these hats are

[00:03:48] not easy to wear and sometimes I wear multiple hats at one time but I think that I'm alive

[00:03:55] that I can wear them.

[00:03:57] So you started off by saying that that was an excellent question and it's also a loaded

[00:04:00] question.

[00:04:01] It is.

[00:04:02] It's a very difficult question for people to answer but you gave so many different answers

[00:04:07] and I tell people all the time that there isn't just one answer to who you are.

[00:04:11] It could be ten things, it could be fifteen, it could be two things, twenty things, whatever

[00:04:15] it doesn't matter.

[00:04:16] But the fact that you're able to answer that tells me and I notice from reading your book

[00:04:21] as well but this tells me that you put in a lot of time to reflect on who you really

[00:04:25] are and your experiences and your wisdom have helped to shape you to who you are and

[00:04:30] the woman that you are today.

[00:04:31] So that's really dope.

[00:04:33] That's a reflection of the work that you put in and it shows because you're able to answer

[00:04:37] that so easily.

[00:04:39] Yeah, I can answer it easy but it is not always easy to be or do.

[00:04:44] My thing is I push forward and I push past it.

[00:04:48] Absolutely, absolutely.

[00:04:50] So can you start with your upbringing where you're from, where your family's from, when

[00:04:57] did Gwen become Gwen?

[00:05:01] When did Gwen become Gwen?

[00:05:03] Okay, so my mother, she's from Mississippi and she's actually one of sixteen children.

[00:05:09] My father is from Georgia.

[00:05:11] Both my mom and dad, they migrated to New York where they met.

[00:05:15] My mother had already had five children before she met my father.

[00:05:20] So believe it or not, me and my siblings we all share different dads and seven of us

[00:05:26] all together, but the same mom.

[00:05:28] And growing up like in the 80s, 90s I was born in the 70s it was an interesting time and

[00:05:35] you know the notion of a man needing a woman who has kids already and teenagers at that when

[00:05:42] he met her is a story in itself.

[00:05:45] But I think that's what kind of shaped me because I'm the last of seven children.

[00:05:50] So when my father came along, my sisters and brothers were teenagers.

[00:05:55] They were young adults.

[00:05:56] I was the baby of the family.

[00:05:58] And if you heard my sisters on my, on my brother's say they'll say, oh you were spoiled

[00:06:02] and you got your way.

[00:06:03] And actually I don't believe any of those things are the truth but it was just a very interesting

[00:06:08] time as far as where do I fit in in a house full of kids already?

[00:06:14] And then this man who's in this household, he's not anyone else's father but mine.

[00:06:19] That felt like what that was like for me was, was volumes and I didn't even understand

[00:06:25] that until I got older.

[00:06:27] What that meant for a man to take on a woman with five children back in the 70s and 80s.

[00:06:34] That's huge, right?

[00:06:35] It is.

[00:06:36] Or even what that meant as for my mom who was a single woman with five kids, right?

[00:06:42] So we know all the words and things that people use when they see a woman who has a lot

[00:06:48] of children and then growing up and being in that environment.

[00:06:52] And when I became older, I asked my mom like, my wife, wow all of us have different fathers

[00:06:57] like what was going on?

[00:06:59] And she was just really simple.

[00:07:00] She said well if one man could provide and take care of me, you know it didn't treat me

[00:07:05] right, I had to move on.

[00:07:09] And I was like that's a lot.

[00:07:11] And she actually had her first child when she was 18 or 19 and she lived in Mississippi.

[00:07:17] And she was married to a very abusive man and back then she got married at 16 because

[00:07:24] in this, you know where she grew up in Mississippi.

[00:07:27] If you were even dating a man or looked at a man that means you had the marium.

[00:07:31] So she wound up marrying very early and it taught me to be very careful because the woman

[00:07:37] she was at 18 with her first child, she was a totally different woman at 40 when she

[00:07:44] had me.

[00:07:45] You know, until sometimes we're very quick to judge women like how did you know why do

[00:07:49] you have so many kids and what's going on?

[00:07:51] It's like my mother lived many lives.

[00:07:54] And through her living so many lives it shaped me into the person that I am and into the

[00:08:00] woman that I am.

[00:08:01] We grew up in Brooklyn.

[00:08:03] We always lived like at a private house.

[00:08:05] My mother worked.

[00:08:06] She was a home attendant.

[00:08:07] My dad worked in the Bronx.

[00:08:09] He worked in a factory.

[00:08:11] And as far as I can remember, I had working parents right?

[00:08:15] But what they would consider the working core because I didn't know we were formed.

[00:08:20] If they went to work, we ate.

[00:08:21] We had a good old time.

[00:08:23] Things that we think now like as a social worker that was tragic.

[00:08:27] I'm like yeah, I would like to cut off all the time like it wasn't a big deal when the

[00:08:31] lights went out that made me was having a party.

[00:08:34] We grabbed some candles from underneath the sink.

[00:08:37] You know my mother would play some music.

[00:08:40] I had no idea like this was like a situation when it wasn't a lot of food in the house.

[00:08:45] And we wanted Chinese food.

[00:08:47] My mother would go and get you like I'm going to make y'all some special Chinese food

[00:08:50] and she would get some rice and put some soy sauce in the pan.

[00:08:54] And we had Chinese food on Christmas's.

[00:08:57] We never seen like a bad Christmas because somehow, some way we woke up in the morning

[00:09:04] and it was just presents everywhere.

[00:09:06] So I had a really great childhood growing up.

[00:09:09] You know there wasn't any like crazy drama, trauma that you see today in so many lives.

[00:09:16] There was a lot of colorism growing up right?

[00:09:18] So I'm dark skinned and so I did deal with that like being the darker person in my family

[00:09:24] you know.

[00:09:25] And I say this a little in the book about the names, Blackie, Black girl, Black, Black everything

[00:09:31] was black.

[00:09:32] You know, everything was black.

[00:09:35] And I felt like you know I didn't even know I was black till too.

[00:09:39] So many people said you're black and I was like, okay that must be something but we were

[00:09:43] very love.

[00:09:44] There was a lot of love in my home despite my father only being my father.

[00:09:49] And that's only my lens.

[00:09:50] I'm pretty sure some of my siblings told the story.

[00:09:53] They would paint you off totally different picture because as far as I can tell everything

[00:09:58] was good.

[00:09:59] You know so it's just interesting how people have so many perspectives but you know we

[00:10:03] were Brooklyn kids.

[00:10:04] It was like Brooklyn.

[00:10:06] The movie, it was just like up and down the stairs getting my hair braided on a stool

[00:10:11] wearing double dutch.

[00:10:13] All of those things red, red, red, red, all of that.

[00:10:15] That was my childhood.

[00:10:16] It was great.

[00:10:18] So then now let's pivot on to when you started to get older, let's say your teenage years

[00:10:24] into adulthood.

[00:10:27] Talk about that a little bit and talk about if that's where maybe things started to because

[00:10:32] I know you just said that when you were younger everything was great.

[00:10:34] Even if you didn't have a lot but you had and you were young, you going through everything

[00:10:39] and you just enjoying it.

[00:10:41] Like you said you didn't go through trauma like that when you were younger like a lot of

[00:10:44] people who have gone through trauma when they were younger and being around dysfunction.

[00:10:48] You know what I mean?

[00:10:49] So now let's pivot over to those years and when that started.

[00:10:54] So teenage years it starts to change the tide.

[00:10:58] Things start changing.

[00:10:59] You start really coming into yourself and you start asking yourself a million questions.

[00:11:04] That's the real who am I at 13, 14, 15?

[00:11:08] Who am I?

[00:11:10] What is happening in my body?

[00:11:13] What's happening around me?

[00:11:14] I think that for my teenage years it was probably around 15 and 16.

[00:11:19] That's when I really started discovering racism.

[00:11:23] I went to school in Brooklyn.

[00:11:25] I went just two high schools right and I could always consider myself a bright person but

[00:11:30] you wouldn't know it because I was kind of quiet.

[00:11:33] When you're quiet in your school, you don't get a lot of attention and I wasn't in the

[00:11:39] best of schools.

[00:11:40] I went to San Francisco, I went to Tilden at the time and those schools was off the hook.

[00:11:45] It was crazy.

[00:11:46] It was rough.

[00:11:47] And again, I was quite a girl.

[00:11:50] I was coming from my block where I had a lot of fun and getting on the bus, on the B7

[00:11:56] and it was crazy.

[00:11:57] It was like, what's that lean on me?

[00:11:59] Kids would be fighting on the bus.

[00:12:01] I remember my first day at school.

[00:12:04] My very first day at school, until then, I was scared.

[00:12:07] It was, I never seen so many people.

[00:12:08] I didn't know it was a difference between Jamaican people, Haitian people, Caribbean people.

[00:12:14] I just thought we all was black until I got to Tilden and I was like, oh, people started

[00:12:18] speaking in dialects and tongues.

[00:12:20] I never heard and I don't know if they were gangs at the time but there were definitely

[00:12:25] groups.

[00:12:26] Couldn't define it.

[00:12:27] And I remember being in this big picture.

[00:12:30] I was in the auditorium and they made all the freshmen coming to auditorium and I was

[00:12:34] nervous and I was standing against the wall.

[00:12:36] It was a bunch of guys and they were like, you know how to shoot dice?

[00:12:40] And I was like no.

[00:12:41] And so they were like, come over here.

[00:12:43] You know, and I learned how to shoot dice in school and the lunchrooms.

[00:12:48] I remember when we went into the lunchrooms, I always thought high school would be like

[00:12:52] sweet valley high but it was very much like, like, like, like as island or something.

[00:12:56] And I was like bars on the window.

[00:12:58] It was glass.

[00:12:59] Right.

[00:13:00] The lunchroom was real loud and I was scared.

[00:13:02] I used to be scared to go to the lunchroom.

[00:13:05] I wound up getting a boyfriend with an S in high school didn't know about what abuse,

[00:13:11] like what we see abuse now, right?

[00:13:13] So they would come to the class and they'd like, come out the class and I would just walk

[00:13:17] the halls.

[00:13:18] Walk the halls with them.

[00:13:19] You're kissing in the hallways, getting felt up in the hallways.

[00:13:22] I don't think I put that in a book.

[00:13:24] But that's what was happening.

[00:13:25] I definitely don't remember reading that in the book.

[00:13:27] You know what I was totally lost and it's so funny because I remember, I think it was

[00:13:33] abuse.

[00:13:34] I had a, I'm not going to mention the name but he would throw me up against the locker

[00:13:38] and then kiss me real hard and say really bad things to me.

[00:13:43] It was funny or even if it wasn't funny, I didn't know what to do.

[00:13:48] I had bigger sisters, all the sisters.

[00:13:50] We didn't have conversations.

[00:13:51] We didn't talk about boys and I grew up in a kind of a religious household.

[00:13:55] So we didn't talk about boys.

[00:13:56] If you talked about boys, I mean he was fast.

[00:13:59] You know my mother used to say don't let no boy put their hands in your bridges.

[00:14:03] That was the sex talk.

[00:14:04] I didn't even know what that meant.

[00:14:07] I was lost in high school for maybe the first year I was in a wrong class every day in

[00:14:12] a wrong class is like totally not prepared, totally lost just in the system, just showing

[00:14:20] up in the system and when I found out that you can leave school, that's what I started

[00:14:24] doing.

[00:14:25] My mother would send me to school and then first spirit I would leave school because it was

[00:14:29] so crazy, they said a girl here on fire one time they used to set the halls on fire.

[00:14:36] It was like pandemonium every day.

[00:14:38] Every day it was crazy and I didn't know what to do.

[00:14:41] So I just left.

[00:14:42] I would go and I would just leave and then that was school and that was high school when

[00:14:48] I was there and then on the block I had boy I always had boyfriends right?

[00:14:51] It's really interesting.

[00:14:53] But not boyfriends in the sense of I just like boys right?

[00:14:57] I had a boyfriend in jail.

[00:14:59] I don't even know how to happen you know.

[00:15:01] A boyfriend in jail.

[00:15:04] Just real, real wild and crazy and then again they used to say oh you know I was very insecure

[00:15:11] about my look because I was very tall I was very slim and so you know people call your

[00:15:16] names you know I think they call me a little bit of everything.

[00:15:20] I used to go to the corner store and they used to say flaca and I was like what's

[00:15:23] that?

[00:15:24] Yeah flaca in Spanish is skinny.

[00:15:27] And I had no idea you know what they were saying and then also till when you know you see

[00:15:34] this whole me too movement you know how many people I could still because I didn't know

[00:15:40] that necessarily with guys who are rough you up and throw you up and every time you

[00:15:45] walk past them somebody to touch your butt grab your breath and this was right this was

[00:15:49] daily follow you home in their cars and a lot of it was also not I was very naive very

[00:15:56] naive but I wasn't promiscuous I was curious which is very different as a teenage I was

[00:16:03] very lost completely lost had no idea what was going on.

[00:16:07] I was just wake up and just just be but not bad enough to like have a tension drawn to

[00:16:13] me but not good enough to be in like a gifted or talented school where people are raving

[00:16:19] after me I was kind of quite in the middle and I was very unnoticed.

[00:16:23] And so what no one noticed me I just kind of just meshed into the regular everyday norm

[00:16:30] until that's how that's how my teenage years were just a notice I was invisible.

[00:16:37] Yeah.

[00:16:38] Very into my family my my older sisters they were doing that thing my brothers was kind

[00:16:43] of had girlfriends out of the house I was invisible.

[00:16:46] Right so I want to ask you a question when you when you were talking about which your

[00:16:50] mom and she had like different boyfriends and different things like that.

[00:16:56] Do you think that that played any type of factor into when you grew up in like your teenage

[00:17:01] years and when it came to guys and all that so I know that you said that shit that was

[00:17:05] in your life and I and I get that but as far as even like when you said that in your household

[00:17:11] and this is pretty typical for religious households anyway they don't talk about sex and

[00:17:15] they don't talk about how you should maneuver when it comes to relationships sexual interactions

[00:17:21] protecting yourself there's not a lot of talk about that at all it's basically just like

[00:17:26] a taboo sex is for marriage and that's it I'm 36 years old but I come from an old school

[00:17:32] family my family's from the south my grandmother my family different South Carolina so I know

[00:17:38] she's very she was very religious part of me and I know how it was like they didn't talk

[00:17:42] about stuff like that do you think that the lack of education when it came to those things

[00:17:47] at that time did that played a factor into that when you were in your teenage years when

[00:17:52] like you said you were kind of lost and you were just kind of like just going through the

[00:17:56] motions yeah like my mom we didn't have talks about sex you know you were considered to be

[00:18:01] high or fresh you know get out that boy face no one was really dating you just what I supposed

[00:18:08] to have a boyfriend that was it you don't have a boy in the house you don't have a boyfriend no one

[00:18:13] did talk about condoms or sex or intercourse I had no idea about cubity the conversation just didn't exist

[00:18:19] and even for my mom by the time I came along she was already married it was just only my father

[00:18:26] I didn't realize until I got older that he wasn't their father and I you know even though I saw

[00:18:33] other men I wasn't making the connection one because my father treated everyone like he was

[00:18:39] their father and my father didn't do a lot of talking that was the other thing he might have

[00:18:43] sent all of 10 words to me in his lifetime but my mother was she was everything in the house she

[00:18:48] ran the house and we did not talk about sex my sisters at that time my my sisters who were closest

[00:18:55] to me they were already in church and they were gene skirts for cats it would have considered

[00:19:03] me the wild one even though I wasn't sexually active but I was an in church no one actually really

[00:19:11] talked to me too much about anything no one asked me about my interests no one really

[00:19:17] asked me about school I was kind of raising myself for every little time and again I guess my mother

[00:19:24] was worn out like she had raised the kids I was the last one you know I was kind of much on my own

[00:19:31] right and so no we didn't have we didn't have conversations my my education came from my friends

[00:19:36] of when we all got to school or on the block and we would ask each other questions

[00:19:42] we didn't have like internet remember right so that wasn't a thing yeah absolutely it was

[00:19:47] different back then yeah probably have books went to the library looked at the pages of your

[00:19:52] body and we thought that was dirty if you saw a neck it wasn't like oh look at she naked

[00:19:57] health sex education classes was like taboo there was no education people were getting pregnant

[00:20:02] because they were fast and that's all the words we knew you fast you nasty no one ever said about

[00:20:09] anything about a condom didn't happen so when you now move into adulthood because I know that

[00:20:18] you had a son your first son what age did you have your first son I was 24 years old when I

[00:20:24] had my first son and I met a guy and I fell in love think I've only fallen in love maybe three

[00:20:31] times in my life if I could be honest but I was very much in love with this man and I got pregnant

[00:20:39] and when I got pregnant I was in school I was in college which is another thing even going to college

[00:20:44] I kind of navigated that system on my own I didn't know what to do but I knew right away I wanted

[00:20:50] to continue my pregnancy and at the time I thought that him and our relationship was strong enough

[00:20:57] that we were being married and in the excitement about having this child with flourishing

[00:21:03] to marriage and like I have happily ever after I don't know if it's because I'm a Sagittarius

[00:21:09] right so I always have like big dreams right magical thinking like oh this is going to be

[00:21:18] wonderful I told you was like the sweet valley high like you know you meet somebody and a baby

[00:21:22] you get married by a house and no that didn't happen yeah I'm like the complete opposite of that

[00:21:31] like I'm very cynical and I could be very like oh okay yeah that's cool yeah that's fine like all right

[00:21:38] all right you know I don't really get too high on things and I'm like kind of like the in the middle

[00:21:43] type of person I don't get too high I don't get too low but anyway it's just funny that you said

[00:21:48] that because you're like a person I was like oh and this is going to be great spectacular it sounds good

[00:21:53] in theory in theory but let's talk about why that theory didn't come to fruition so for a lot of

[00:22:00] reasons it didn't happen because ultimately he cheated I don't think I've ever said this out loud

[00:22:08] he cheated he had another woman family life I didn't get chosen I wasn't the person to be picked

[00:22:17] and I am dressing it nicely but I felt like I just didn't I didn't get picked I wasn't that I wasn't

[00:22:25] the person that he wanted to be with and it wasn't communicated as such it was communicated came out

[00:22:32] really awful and ugly where you find out that the person who got you knew was not the person

[00:22:40] and you left kind of hold on the bag in my case left holding a baby and it was a truly devastating

[00:22:47] at 24 and like I said before I'm a person of dreams and inspirations and at that time I had

[00:22:54] not finished college I had not purchased a home I had not done anything because I've always felt

[00:23:01] that you would do these things with your husband and your companion you know you would raise your

[00:23:06] children you will buy that home you will go on the vacation and I was just kind of starting right

[00:23:12] just graduating really from high school and I had like a little job and things like that

[00:23:17] and so I never seen myself outside of what I had imagined but now here I am 24 and I have a baby

[00:23:26] right like a whole person and he made it evident that was not what he wanted at least not with me

[00:23:33] because he had started another relationship with someone else and they too had a child okay

[00:23:42] so now you 24 years old can I say that that's the hardest thing that you would have to deal with

[00:23:49] in your life at that time I'm saying at that time right absolutely I became physically sick

[00:23:56] I became physically sick at the thought of like I mean it's one thing to cheat it's another thing

[00:24:02] now you have a child involved and then like your whole world comes crashing down really quickly

[00:24:08] and you don't have the tools I didn't have the tools the resources the language the brain

[00:24:15] the sense of self-worth to pick myself up right so physically I was sick you my hair started

[00:24:20] falling out I remember going to the hairdresser and she was combing my hair my hair was just coming out

[00:24:25] I was stressed out the soul stressed out and I just couldn't understand like well what happened

[00:24:31] and what's going to happen how was it gonna happen and it feels like you have the weight

[00:24:36] of the world in your shoulders and on top of that you know was minimum child support and a lot

[00:24:43] of back and forth to court it was awful it was stressful it was the worst time it was the worst

[00:24:50] thing that I thought that I could ever go through and it was embarrassing most of all it was very

[00:24:57] embedded right so it's funny that you say that at the time you thought that that was like oh this

[00:25:05] is it this is the worst thing that ever happened to me I was in love man this dude he did me dirty

[00:25:11] what else could happen to me well a lot happened to you so let's let's let's let's get into that

[00:25:21] so after that occurs and you have your son as you when your son he's getting older you're raising

[00:25:27] him you know your single mother you're doing with a lot of single women do you know single women

[00:25:32] are strong they take care of their business they got to do what they got to do but

[00:25:37] throughout that journey that you have what would the things that will start into occur so it's so

[00:25:42] funny over the years so I don't know I felt like I began to get as my son became older I

[00:25:50] began to gain a lot of strength after I finished all the crying in tantrums like I can't do it

[00:25:57] but I also had very strong women around me my mom I had my sisters I mean my sisters and my mother

[00:26:03] they helped me down and just find him I thought you know really going to church and attending church

[00:26:09] and again as we're refining God in this and I put myself back in school and I work and you know

[00:26:17] this notion of you have to do one or the other I always had three jobs my like three jobs

[00:26:22] individually like at one time you know I've always had my son my son would travel with me

[00:26:27] everywhere I would go so it was just me it was him and I all the time and I gained a lot of strength

[00:26:32] in that right and then in between I didn't do a lot of dating which was very interesting I never

[00:26:38] had a lot of relationships maybe I have one following that one meaningful relationship which was

[00:26:44] a lot of fun but ended tragically also because he too cheated and so this is this common theme and

[00:26:50] I guess as we get further someone asked me like how do you keep dating them who cheat on you what

[00:26:55] is it about you that these men cheat and I thought about that and you know as a social worker

[00:27:02] you know I can say it I was like I would not own that you know like I would not own somebody else's

[00:27:08] behavior there are some things that I think that there's some common themes but ultimately if

[00:27:15] somebody wants to be with you they're gonna be with you if somebody wants to lead in cheat they

[00:27:18] remember do we miss nothing you can do but you could look at yourself and say okay well maybe these

[00:27:24] are some of the things are signed but I can't make anybody be with me and but you know in between

[00:27:29] that I did I had maybe two or three relationships in that last period of time but all ending

[00:27:37] with someone cheating yeah and I agree with you that if somebody wants to cheat didn't cheat it

[00:27:43] doesn't it doesn't really matter it don't matter how good you look don't matter which a body

[00:27:46] look like if somebody wants to cheat they don't cheat the only thing that I will that I will say

[00:27:51] and not in reference to cheating but I will say that and just even my experiences with the

[00:27:56] relations with part meet relationships that I've had and you know being married and all of that

[00:28:00] well the person that you choose to be with though is a reflection of you right so if you have

[00:28:07] insecurities about yourself if this thing's that's going on with you your partner is going to be

[00:28:13] a reflection of that and that's something that I did learn for sure and and I do agree with the

[00:28:19] concept that the person is a reflection of you for the simple fact that the men I dated were like

[00:28:27] they had they were kind of together yeah it wasn't they didn't know like sloppy guys like

[00:28:32] they were all very confident maybe over confident they all pretty much had big goals and dreams

[00:28:38] maybe too big they all were very nice looking guys like really like very well put together they

[00:28:46] were personable like these wasn't like buzzing yeah I know what I'm attracted to they and it's

[00:28:53] it is a tight you know they was very much wanted you know like if you some like oh yeah you know

[00:29:00] that's a nice looking guy like he got his stuff together you know um you know he makes decent money

[00:29:06] you know he got goals and like all of those things it is a thing it is I do have a tight

[00:29:11] and so when you say you attract what you are yeah those was those were mirrors of me like those high

[00:29:17] thinkers I'm confident but I had a lot of cocky you know like I'm the man but when you attract those

[00:29:24] type of men who have that type of a stature and sometimes they feel that because I'm this kind of

[00:29:31] person I can have whatever I like in the age however I want to you know I remain friends with some

[00:29:39] people and one of the things that I've always gotten from relationships was what I said well you

[00:29:46] know why we didn't work or what happened whatever and they'll say you acted like you didn't need me

[00:29:52] you were so strong that I can find a place interesting interesting and so just to be just to try my

[00:30:02] luck one time I tried to do the whole damzo in distress I remember I had a situation I was like oh

[00:30:08] help me I tried to do it I try to be that person like okay let me see rescue me oh Romeo

[00:30:17] and to my you know to my shock and any work you have so I don't know I don't know it's really hard

[00:30:25] and then you know you you hear it I'm pretty sure you hear it you see it as black women black

[00:30:31] educated female women this is statistics we have the lowest rate especially for whatever certain

[00:30:37] eat we have the lowest rate of marriages or or relationships because of our status and our age

[00:30:47] in different things like that so it was not like a phenomenon it's just like oh and even my

[00:30:52] son my son is 23 right I said well tell me what do you think he was like mom nobody has not dating

[00:30:58] you he was like look at you what did it what do you want them to do it like you do everything

[00:31:03] right right and you know it's funny also because I've also heard people say about

[00:31:09] you know African-American women and they'll say like oh they give too much pushback

[00:31:13] and they have mouths on them and stuff like that I've heard this before from many people

[00:31:18] right and then they'll say like people from other races they're more obedient and they don't talk

[00:31:23] back they don't do that but I laugh at that type of stuff because for me and this is just my personal

[00:31:27] opinion I laugh because you're threatened by a strong woman I'm not saying that some that a woman

[00:31:34] has to push back on everything just to win a fight but I just mean from the standpoint of

[00:31:38] your respect to opinion right she's intelligent she has a lot going for us so she knows how to take

[00:31:42] care for so you can build with someone like that but a lot of minority men not all of them not saying

[00:31:49] everybody but even me personally I'm not like this right but when I'm saying is that some of them

[00:31:54] they don't know how to deal with a woman who has her own voice it's difficult and even what you

[00:32:01] just said they think it to themselves you do everything so where do I come in where do I fit in

[00:32:07] but that's why I always say that is very important to know who you are and what you represent

[00:32:13] and have a strong foundation because at the end of the day if you know what you want

[00:32:17] and this goes for both men and women and now you can come together have a conversation and

[00:32:21] communicate but a lot of times that doesn't that doesn't happen because it sometimes is just stop

[00:32:27] parme it starts with oh you look good you look good too then it's like okay we just go through

[00:32:32] the motions we date we go out but it's not anything that's fulfilling like it's not something that has

[00:32:37] any type of longevity to it so like you were saying a lot of those marriage rates and different

[00:32:43] things like that they're not great because these people don't even know who they both are at all

[00:32:48] they're just getting wrapped up into the superficial we're having a good time the good vibes

[00:32:55] we're having fun and there's a lot more to with the net but I just wanted to say that

[00:33:00] I definitely agree with you I think it's it is it is a lot more and it's it's it's reby it's compact

[00:33:07] right so it's not just one particular thing and that's why I can't just put the onus on me

[00:33:12] it's because of e you know I just think also too the other part of that is I also believe when

[00:33:17] it's your time it's your time and nothing is gonna stop that that person who you're supposed to

[00:33:22] be with that man that woman if you're supposed to be with them it's gonna happen you don't have

[00:33:27] to do a whole bunch of anything you can actually be who you are and that's best high goal is to be

[00:33:32] able to be who I am in a relationship because I like talk I talk a lot you know that's what I do you

[00:33:38] know and that's what it's about I preach that on this podcast it's about being a hundred percent

[00:33:44] unapologetically you and if somebody don't like you I said this in one of my episodes tell them

[00:33:49] the kick rocks it is what it is if they don't like you so what you'll be I and then also we have

[00:33:56] to understand that people have other genders and other motives and different things like that

[00:34:01] and perhaps you was me because I make you look good so there's a lot of things there to unpack right

[00:34:08] I'm not the only person in the relationship and I can't even say all my relationships or bad

[00:34:13] like I said a lot of my exes we still have relationships with I that's what I talked to them you

[00:34:18] know it wasn't ending like in tragic oh I hate you it was in the like you lie cheated and no

[00:34:24] I'm not gonna do that and I would say again but then I'm gonna talk about my second son I was

[00:34:30] about to get into that the story and this journey that you have is so so deep because now we get to

[00:34:39] child number two but there's a twist to that and you're gonna explain that I mean I read the book

[00:34:48] you read the book please please explain this little part me little little big twist so the twist

[00:34:55] is like a plot twist right right so the twist of that is you love who you love you love who you

[00:35:02] love and I think it was interesting and I rekindled my relationship with my with my son's father

[00:35:09] because I knew what that love felt like and then also too I had a strong urge for my son to have

[00:35:17] his dad to be with his father to know what that feels like and at the time my son was at a real

[00:35:24] vulnerable age he was a teenager so he's between junior high school high school this is the time

[00:35:30] where so many things are happening for black men are you going to college are you going to play

[00:35:34] ball you got girlfriends you got friends outside and at the time I was also living in Harlem

[00:35:40] very interesting time and my sister had just passed away dad had passed away and I was doing my

[00:35:47] thing you know and then this person comes and you are able to forgive so it was a lot of forgiveness

[00:35:55] there and it's just like okay well maybe this is it right because magical thinking right this is it

[00:36:01] this is it you know you this is going to be it and this goes back to that magical thinking that you

[00:36:09] were talking about earlier before everything is going to be magnificent yeah and did everything

[00:36:14] end up that way talk about it we have plans and you know he had children and I had you know

[00:36:20] it's son already and you know I embraced its family you know the way that most women do like

[00:36:26] come on we're going to just want to be this one big happy family and oh so hopeful and then I got a

[00:36:32] phone call from a send out of phone call saying that he was married not to the first one right

[00:36:39] another one another one and so it just ended and so do I stay because of say faith you know

[00:36:48] oh absolutely died and so yeah it's spiral out of control and the lies and the devastation right

[00:36:58] the difference though I'm gonna say this I wasn't 24 that was the difference and I wasn't devastated

[00:37:08] I had years of preparation which is good and sad all at the same time I wasn't the same person

[00:37:16] but it was awful that I had to be that person but I was ready and I was ready to take on whatever

[00:37:23] challenges that breakup brought because although I had forgiven it was interesting that I was a

[00:37:31] little hard too and so what I wasn't gonna do is allow that to impact my second son the way that

[00:37:39] I did the first but when I walked away and I mean immediately it drove a wedge between oldest son

[00:37:49] and his father probably forever right because now he's at an age where I don't have to tell him

[00:37:56] anything he saw it when it was that half his father in his life and at his games and then his

[00:38:02] house and taking him to dinner and how he treated his mother and how he treated his brother

[00:38:08] and he loved it you couldn't even separate them and it was beautiful even for me to watch them together

[00:38:14] and they both look alike and we traveled and we went on vacation and we did all of these beautiful

[00:38:18] wonderful things and then you found out who this man really is and it drove a wedge it drove a deep

[00:38:27] wedge to the fact that um there's no communication right at all and I could move on but I don't think

[00:38:36] that he understood what that did to him even now so as he's a grown man what that did of the treatment

[00:38:46] to his mother and his brother and to him and these sort of kind of things that I don't think like

[00:38:52] you destroyed lives and if I had not been the great mother that I am and you got and stuff like

[00:38:57] that you know it could have ended a real tragic like my son could have went out there and been a

[00:39:01] gang man going you know he could have went to Wapasid or buddy making stronger and he saw me he started

[00:39:09] to see me in a different light um as a mom and as a woman right and we have a we always had a

[00:39:15] rebe close relationship but now we have a close bond but the the damage this is why when we women

[00:39:21] meet men some time of certain ages and men coming to your life they'd be so damaged you'd be like

[00:39:27] what happened to you but you know like why are you acting so crazy because these things that these

[00:39:34] men experience in their young adult lives or with their moms and all these traumas and issues

[00:39:39] and things like that and now you got to bring that into a relationship and some woman has the

[00:39:45] deal with all of this stuff this is why when we were talking offline it's so important for you to

[00:39:50] do the work is so I told my son go to therapy he went to therapy like I love it he worked through

[00:39:55] all of that stuff and because you have all this baggage that someone else created they took him

[00:40:01] baggage and laid to doing you. No it's a fact that's a fact and that's why I always say a lot of us

[00:40:07] we grew up in dysfunction we come from a lot of craziness and we never get help for that so as

[00:40:14] dope that you recognize that your son didn't eat therapy and it wasn't just about what you were

[00:40:19] going through but what he was going through as well and the fact that he agreed with you and said

[00:40:23] yes to the therapy that's even better that means that he's in touch with what he feels where he

[00:40:29] thinks and he's reflecting and he understood that what he was going through wasn't easy and that

[00:40:34] he did need help and although he and the father may not have a relationship to this day that resentment

[00:40:40] in that anger he had to learn how to channel that in a positive way and going to therapy helps

[00:40:46] because they may not have a relationship for the rest of their lives but you still got to learn how

[00:40:51] to channel that anger and animosity that you may have towards your father in a productive way.

[00:40:58] See and when you don't examine you don't get the therapy you don't reflect on your life

[00:41:03] you don't get the proper help that's needed then now you bring an all-ed-act crap into a relationship

[00:41:08] with somebody else and then they got a deal with your crap and I talked about this another

[00:41:13] so one of my podcasts as well we have all these things going on with us and then we want to bring

[00:41:18] that baggage into a relationship and then now you corrupt and messing up somebody else's life

[00:41:23] it's not fair to you and it's not fair to the other person as well but a lot of us don't know any

[00:41:28] better and we have to break that curse we really do and especially us as minorities we got to break

[00:41:34] through all of these generational chains and backwards mentalities because at some point in time and

[00:41:42] I'm not talking about American history we were kings we were queens and we took care of ourselves

[00:41:47] spiritually mentally and we were wealthy and I'm not just talking about money I'm talking about

[00:41:53] mentality-wise but we got to get back to that but a lot of us don't know our history and I just want

[00:41:58] to say this last thing too about your baby's father his true side came out he showed you who he was

[00:42:04] every single time the first time he showed you who he was and he did your dirty then the second time

[00:42:10] you wanted to make things right with him you had another child with him you wanted both of your

[00:42:15] children to have their father and you wanted to have a great life but once again his true side came out

[00:42:22] and he had another family he was basically living a double life and once again chaos ridiculousness

[00:42:29] and everything comes to the light and I'm not saying that people can't hide stuff from people

[00:42:33] of course they can there are a lot of carn artists out there I'm aware believe me

[00:42:39] but he showed you who he was the first time and then he showed you who he was again the second time

[00:42:45] so years went on but there was no maturity it was the same dude the same games but you were in a

[00:42:51] better place this time and you were in effect at the same way you were a single mother for years

[00:42:56] you took care your son by yourself and you were just in a different place mentally and as dope that

[00:43:02] shows your maturity and your growth and people could look at you and say well why would you do that

[00:43:07] again and rightfully so that's a logical line of reasoning but for you you say look I made the decision

[00:43:15] it didn't go the way that I wanted but it was a part of my journey and I learned from that

[00:43:21] and I'm the woman that I am today because of that and it may have been a lot of heartache in this

[00:43:27] process but there's also a lot of power in that process if you embrace it and with all of that being

[00:43:34] said most people will hear all of this and say all right this is a lot you know this is a lot to

[00:43:38] deal with in your life but we're still not done there's a lot more that has occurred after that

[00:43:47] in 2021 and I got an also a conjunction with me going to school I also started to advance

[00:43:55] and ministry right so I will become a missionary and a minister and an elder right now my elder

[00:44:02] in my church and I went back to school again for my last masters and as I way began the year of

[00:44:08] my last master's degree in social work right after COVID I was sick I started getting really really

[00:44:13] sick and I didn't know you know what was happening I felt very tired all the time I felt very

[00:44:18] little object my stomach was bothering me but I kept going to school because I was in a

[00:44:25] world in school and doing my regular things and I figured it was just because of my schedule you

[00:44:30] know I'm learning you know I got my son he's in swimming lessons then basketball lessons and I have

[00:44:36] my mom here you know I'm like super woman so I take care of my mom too my mom is 84 and I take care

[00:44:42] her and then my head my oldest son here at the time he was trying to apply to go into the

[00:44:47] Air Force and he was working and I but I wasn't feeling well but I was still working and I remember it

[00:44:54] was my my stomach started getting really big like gassy like I felt like I had gas and I went to

[00:45:01] the doctor and he gave me some gas by the sin and then I called the back I was like that's not

[00:45:06] working and then he told me he wanted to refer me to see someone else but the appointment was

[00:45:12] like three months from the date and so I said okay I'll just you know figure it out and I started

[00:45:16] getting fever is all these different things and or my ordination as I was getting ordained as an elder

[00:45:23] I went to class that morning because I was like I can't miss class and then I said I'm gonna leave

[00:45:27] class and then I'm gonna go to the church service and I did that and by the time I got to the church

[00:45:32] service I was so sick and my stomach was protruding and I told one of the young ladies I was like

[00:45:39] you're gonna have to hold me up while we end here because I can't even stand well and I managed

[00:45:45] to get through the service and then after the service I was I told my my family my sister my my son

[00:45:51] I was like I'm gonna go to the emergency room because something is not right by the time I got to

[00:45:57] the emergency room and I wanted to take in a cab which was I didn't drive which was great but when

[00:46:02] I got there I couldn't breathe but time I got there I'm taking these gas of air and the nurse said do

[00:46:08] you have asthma and I was like no but I don't have a history asthma or in China so any kind of

[00:46:13] illness like that and so she checked me out and she was like I don't know what's wrong with you she

[00:46:17] gave me like we're just gonna give you an inhaler and I was like no and I was sure her my stomach

[00:46:22] finally they sent me to do a cat scan and some other tests and they gave me an oxygen mask

[00:46:29] and a couple hours later when the doctor came in he said Miss Taylor we see a tumor on your ovaries

[00:46:37] and I was like why and he was like yes you have a big tumor on your ovaries and we believe it's cancer

[00:46:45] yeah here and now had to be scary for sure I could even process the word and I was like what do you

[00:46:51] mean like cancer like you know I'm thinking like Sagittarius Erie's cancer like you know what

[00:46:58] what do you say he's saying cancer I was like what you know and I was like what are you saying

[00:47:03] from there I caught my sister my mom and my best friend and I'm telling them between me gasping

[00:47:11] and from that it was a whirlwind of events I'll make this show it following that conversation with

[00:47:17] him the next day I had to stay in the hospital I had what's called a cytos fluid I filled up my

[00:47:23] belly making my belly for true which was of course my lung to collapse so I had one lung they

[00:47:31] took me from and maybe I shouldn't call the names out but they took me from a hospital in Queens

[00:47:37] to another hospital in Queens and when I got there I zoomed my past at the time I zoomed my sister

[00:47:45] I had some people in zone my mom and I said listen I have to have this emergency surgery I don't know

[00:47:51] and the doctor came into the room and he told me what my chances are if it had spread through my body

[00:47:57] because by the time the a cytos fluid takes the cancer throughout your body carries that all around

[00:48:03] and he says we're gonna see what we can do and you might lose when I have the remove your lung

[00:48:09] or we might have to plaster it to the back of your wall or we might like they didn't know how much

[00:48:14] damage or how much had spread or what would be the result of that and I went into surgery and I

[00:48:20] just prayed and I just prayed and my pastor he was praying and the church was praying and I went

[00:48:26] into the surgery and I remember sitting in the hallway right before surgery because we got you

[00:48:30] in this old room and I'm more oxygen because I can't breathe and I wrote Jeremiah in Joshua in my

[00:48:36] palms of my hands and all I could do was just pray that I needed to see my children and I needed

[00:48:42] to wake up and thanks to God I woke up and the surgery was successful and the first thing I

[00:48:49] noticed was I had a big chest tube hanging out beside of my chest that was draining the water

[00:48:55] and the blood and the fluid out of my chest and then was all bandaged up they had a lot of you know

[00:49:01] cords and things like that and they said well we went in they said we have to do we did the biopsy

[00:49:08] and according to the biopsy they didn't see any other cancer it had not traveled or spread to the lungs

[00:49:16] nothing but the grace of God I was transferred from that hospital back to the first hospital two days

[00:49:22] in that hospital I waited maybe about two weeks before I saw the oncologist, the oncologist

[00:49:29] to tell me okay you have this tumor what's going on at this time my breathing is really bad

[00:49:34] I'm sitting out I'm getting skinny I'm losing my functions in my body like it's having implications

[00:49:41] on everything that's going on and when I saw the doctor basically by the time he came I'm like

[00:49:47] three weeks already in the hospitals right so it's almost a month now and he said you know

[00:49:51] Miss Taylor what you need is a rubber big surgery that this hospital is not prepared to do

[00:49:57] and he was like I don't know what to tell you because we don't know how advanced it looks you have

[00:50:02] a rubber advanced form of cancer and just couldn't believe it I was like what would you mean I'm going

[00:50:09] to die like yeah die like I don't even know what that meant and so my head pass I'm still in the hospital

[00:50:17] and a friend of mine who worked at my church who goes to my church she was in communication with

[00:50:23] my sister and you know praying she was like you know I work at MSK I could say MSK my more real

[00:50:29] slow and cathering and she says the surgeon here she says she'll take your case and I was like okay

[00:50:35] and she said can you send me the scans on what they're saying I started from my hospital bed

[00:50:40] I'd say bring my laptop I've had my friend bring my laptop and I was every time they did a scan or

[00:50:46] did a result I would email it to her and she was back and forward and I told the doctor there I said

[00:50:51] I'm gonna I need to leave here to go to MSK so they could do the surgery he was like oh no you

[00:50:56] can't leave because run my got a chest too I said no she says she's gonna do it I gotta go

[00:51:01] and then he was like well pulmonary got into this whole craziness they wouldn't remove the chest

[00:51:06] too because I could after walk into MSK because of the private hospital you can't transfer

[00:51:11] and so he said we can't transfer you you have to walk in and it was this whole back and forth two

[00:51:16] months now I'm in the hospital and I'm getting worse yeah that's bad my mom came up to the hospital

[00:51:22] and she was like what is going on you know at the same time my sister from North Carolina

[00:51:27] flew in because when I have a seven year old at home at the time he was five or six my best

[00:51:32] friend flew from DC to take care of my son my sister came in to take care of my mother I have a

[00:51:38] whole house of people oh and on supervisor does I never start working so I'm still running

[00:51:45] stuff from work and signing time sheets maybe about laptop I gotta get these people paid you

[00:51:52] definitely a task driven and focused for sure that's I'm a supervisor and I have a whole program and

[00:51:57] I have to be on zones and meetings some stuff I was able to delegate and then some stuff people

[00:52:02] don't know what they're heck to do so I'm like I'll just do it and the doctors are coming in and

[00:52:07] out and they're like what's going on and I'm not getting bad I'm getting worse so I know I

[00:52:11] gotta get out of here I told the doctor he got to pull the chest stool but I made a appointment

[00:52:15] to be at Sloan Kettering then the day came they didn't do it another week pass I made another

[00:52:21] appointment and the my regular doctor came and he told me to bend over on the bed he said I'm

[00:52:27] just gonna pull the chest to so you can go because woman every won't do it and it caused a new

[00:52:32] motor X meeting I had ear in my lungs which put me in jeopardy of my lungs collapsing because I

[00:52:39] had now the ear from the chest to got into my chest cavity then they signed me up for another

[00:52:45] procedure that would it was a forgot the name of it with a stiganito in your chest cavity

[00:52:51] and eject the ear that didn't work and so I said well I gotta go and I caught my son and I said

[00:52:58] I need you to meet me at the hospital at four o'clock and take me to Memorial

[00:53:02] Sloan Kettering and I got out of my bed and I put my sneakers on whatever he put me as high

[00:53:07] I don't hit sweatshirt and some sneakers I had and I walked out the hospital and the nurses

[00:53:12] and doctors are screaming where are you going and I was like y'all gonna let me stay here and die

[00:53:18] right right and I got into the cab and we went through the midtown tunnel and that was the first time

[00:53:24] I was out the hospital in too much and I couldn't stand I didn't have wasn't eating but couldn't

[00:53:29] stand and I said take me there and by the time I got to Memorial Sloan Kettering and

[00:53:34] hospital to the clinic because I was even in the hospital I was an elevator and they called

[00:53:39] they said Miss Taylor we're about to close are you coming and when the doors open I was standing right

[00:53:44] there and the surgeon was there and hearted and they wrapped me up in some blankets because I couldn't

[00:53:50] even stand and my best friend was with me and they transferred me to the hospital and about a

[00:53:56] week later they performed my surgery and it was a long world recovery but I'm glad to say that

[00:54:02] I'm cancer-free I was introduced to a support group national ovarian cancer coalition

[00:54:09] it's actually my surgeon's mother who's the chairperson I've had the opportunity to speak at

[00:54:14] their convention most recently I had a relapse where they found the swole tumor and they removed it

[00:54:22] and I am cancer-free and I'm a three-year ovarian cancer survivor that's what's up I'm very happy to

[00:54:29] hear that I am blessed but Jay-Smove and then within that time my pastor passed away and six months

[00:54:37] later my bishop passed away and it's just amazing when I'm standing here just in my troph

[00:54:44] and my humanity and everything I've been through 100 percent because I know there's a reason why

[00:54:51] I'm here there's a reason why I survive what I've been through all that I've been through

[00:54:57] everything from every bad relationship to every lying man to every health scare there's a reason

[00:55:04] that God has chosen me to survive and I'm going to continue to do his work until I can't do it again

[00:55:11] absolutely and there's one last thing that I want to bring up to you before we get to your book

[00:55:15] and we wrap this up your sister my sister who died from breast cancer yes in 2010 I think it was

[00:55:22] 2010 2011 you know I tell our four sisters I'm the youngest we're in the living room we're playing

[00:55:29] and we're laughing and my sister looks like look I have a bump in it's my arm and we say boss it

[00:55:35] we don't know what it is because my family's never had cancer

[00:55:39] and so we bust it and this thing blew up from a little pimple to the tick over our whole arm

[00:55:45] and when it's over our arm I you know again I'm caretaker and let me tell you how strategic God was

[00:55:52] in this because when my sister was diagnosed with cancer at the same time I was living in Brooklyn

[00:55:57] by myself me and my son my house was broken into yeah I wrote that in your book so I wound up

[00:56:03] moving in with my mom because I was scared to go home but my sister was sick and I wound up taking

[00:56:08] care of her and being her proxy and her medical provider and she didn't have insurance and so she got

[00:56:15] the minimum care it was very different from my experience right when I when I had my chemo they

[00:56:20] gave me a bed and snacks and offy she was in the role with like 20 other people and she had awful

[00:56:27] care awful and she wound up having a mastectomy and and then even after that when she had a surgery

[00:56:33] I went with her to her checkable appointment and when we got to the room the doctor came in it was

[00:56:38] like oh you want to sign the DNR was like what DNR and it was like wait they didn't tell you

[00:56:43] and it was like no what do you talk about and they were like basically your cancer spread

[00:56:48] and there's nothing else we can do for you you have like a couple of months to live yeah we're like

[00:56:54] wait what and she was 40 40 43 literally I'm giving me so you can imagine my anxiety I watch

[00:57:04] when sister die yeah um of breast cancer probably something that could have like when when we talk

[00:57:10] about black women in statistics and insurance and things like that things that could have been

[00:57:14] avoided things that could have been treatable yeah and and we can say oh it was her time but there

[00:57:20] was a there's a lot of injustice and inequality when it comes to women's health care and one of

[00:57:27] the things that I did different was when I left that hospital I was like yeah I'm not gonna let me

[00:57:31] lay hand out because y'all don't know what's going on and being able to advocate for yourself

[00:57:39] having someone to advocate for you getting to a place where you're like and when I got there they

[00:57:44] said we do these surgeries all day and one another hospital that's a city ran hospital is like we don't

[00:57:50] know what's happening we don't have the technology we don't know what's going on that matters yeah it does

[00:57:56] it does you know the sense of being a voice to speak out to other people the way we took a

[00:58:02] fragmented me being naive and it's like oh it's just a pimple and not understanding the signs of

[00:58:06] breast cancer or not having mammograms on a regular basis all of that stuff and I watch my sister

[00:58:13] die no I absolutely and you know it's really dope that you have a voice for that because

[00:58:19] you know I talked about this in my second episode but my mother died from cancer and my mother had

[00:58:24] breast cancer and it spreads to her bones and then it went to her brain and you know once it goes

[00:58:29] to your brain you're finished right and saying with you like I watched my mother deteriorate over the

[00:58:36] years I said over the years over the months that she was in the hospice in hospice care and it

[00:58:41] was awful it's the worst thing that I ever had to deal with in my life but what you said was

[00:58:45] important because it could have been avoided we hope that this story can be used to help people

[00:58:51] when it comes to cancer and getting all the tests done and making sure that you're good and

[00:58:56] that's your right but with all that being said the cancer was a part of my mother's journey

[00:59:00] a part of your sister's journey and that was their path and in relation to my mother she's going

[00:59:06] but I'm here you know what I'm saying and I live through her the only child that she has so

[00:59:12] I just want to make her her name still stand to this day by doing the things that I'm doing

[00:59:19] right now you know interviewing you talking to you different things like that and just playing

[00:59:23] positive energy into the world but let's get to your book even though honestly this whole interview

[00:59:29] is about your book because everything that you're talking about it will we're basically talking about

[00:59:34] your book because all these and different chapters of your book and let everyone know where they

[00:59:39] could find your book pick to survive you can purchase pick to survive on amazon or you can go to

[00:59:46] my website wonderlandtale.com I dope dope and now I want you to just explain why you did the book

[00:59:55] and what kind of takeaways do you want to leave with people after they read your book I never

[01:00:01] considered myself a poet but I have so much to say I've always had a lot to say as a child I used

[01:00:08] to journal I used to write and I've always had these poems and these words that come to me

[01:00:14] and so my book is a collection of spoken word and and poems about my life and I've I try I always

[01:00:22] said I want to be an author I always want to write and this is not going to be my only book

[01:00:27] but I've always wanted to write but I couldn't get my book into a story the way that I wanted it

[01:00:33] to be and every time I said down to write the chapters about all the relationship stuff it didn't come

[01:00:39] out like that I I found myself rhyming and I was like what am I rapping to person like you know I found

[01:00:44] myself rhyming my words and and and singing these songs and things like that and I said when I was

[01:00:51] in the hospital I a lot of my prayers became poetry a lot of the things my conversations with God

[01:00:58] became writing when I came out and I was doing my chemo and you know chemo is a beast and I would be

[01:01:03] in here by myself and I was like think I'm getting what I'm I'm I'm getting it that it's not just one

[01:01:10] thing there's things there's multiple places where I want to take people on this journey to see how

[01:01:15] my life has a elapsed over a period of time and I want to do it in a way where it's kind of musical

[01:01:22] and flows and it's poetic you know I want to talk about my relationships and my experiences with

[01:01:29] men but not in a harsh mean way right the way I've seen bitter and upset because that's not what

[01:01:35] I strive to do right but I want to show people like I had these experiences and this is what these

[01:01:42] experiences taught me right and so the goal of the book is to really share that and then so you

[01:01:48] can find yourself anywhere in the book right if you're reading the book you can find yourself in any

[01:01:53] chapter you know I have a home about like you know just going out with these random guys and like

[01:01:59] all the lives and crazy things that they say and they tell you know um and it's kind of funny since

[01:02:05] it's a chemical that people can be so crazy and then I have these tragic stories of losing people

[01:02:12] because your life is more than just one thing and we said it earlier just when you think right

[01:02:17] like I'm nervous about like 50 and 60 years but just when you think like oh my god I went through this

[01:02:22] this is so awful this so you know God is like you know what that made sure you got it boom

[01:02:26] get something else that made sure you got it boom there's something else and sometimes I feel like

[01:02:31] I'm a fighter you know and I'm shielding it I'm blocking like one of the women like these things

[01:02:36] that are coming after me or coming to to be my demise or be my end and God is just sharpening

[01:02:44] my tools he's giving me more time he's giving me more power resources people he's placed me with

[01:02:51] people I would have never met you that's a fact you know um that I've never thought I would ever

[01:02:57] meet old places or arenas and so the poetry in the book is about that and how we have been selected

[01:03:04] if you're reading this book there's a reason why you're here when the cover it's it kind of shows

[01:03:10] a fill of dead sunflowers and in the fill of dead sunflowers there's just one standing in

[01:03:18] that's us yeah I like that I like the imagery behind that it's us it's like so it's a reason why

[01:03:25] you're still here's a reason why you're doing the thing that you're doing it's not by mistake it's

[01:03:31] by design and that we have to embrace it and nothing is too hard for God and even though I have like

[01:03:38] my magical thinking because I don't I still believe like I still believe that you know okay maybe

[01:03:44] the first three relationships they work out again that was a bust but I believe that there is

[01:03:48] gonna be the space or this person in these moments you know that I'm gonna be able to cherish because

[01:03:56] it's not the end of my chapter there's so much more you know for me to write about given given

[01:04:02] the time but I want people to embrace like what you do here it matters I want to leave a legacy

[01:04:08] for my children I want to leave a legacy for my boys when my sons grow up I want them to be

[01:04:13] awesome I want I want them to be able to say that was my mother that was my mother did that the

[01:04:19] reality of time and I'll share this last thought when my sister was dying I would go to the hospital

[01:04:25] every time I got off the elevator it was a huge clock and the tick tick became rubbing loud

[01:04:34] and it was time and so the meaning is my time is very precious

[01:04:40] and I don't like for nobody to waste my time that's a fact what are you doing with the time God

[01:04:46] has given you on this earth are you just letting it take away it matters you even legacy that's a fact

[01:04:54] it matters and y'all heard that I told about this before which all and she is a walking embodiment

[01:05:02] of someone who has been through the worst situations and she still has she's making her mark

[01:05:09] for me she's leaving her mark and I said that I'm a walking embodiment of that everything that I've

[01:05:14] been through and we're not the only two people there's millions of others of people in this world that

[01:05:20] are walking embodiments of leaving their mark on this earth so the strength that this woman has shown

[01:05:28] the wisdom the knowledge the learning the reflection the examination she did that she put the work in

[01:05:36] that's what it's about and every second every minute of your life do not take that for granted

[01:05:41] don't take for granted what you have in your life and even when you don't have and I said this before

[01:05:47] you still have when you lose things there's still things that you still have and you don't take those

[01:05:52] things for granted at all and it's about leaving your legacy leaving your mark when we're going

[01:05:58] we want to be known for something as positive not negativity or he was known or she was known for

[01:06:05] oldest trash toxic energy nothing that builds any of us up wanting to keep everybody down

[01:06:11] it's basura so I'ma sign out like this those of us that are still here that are still standing

[01:06:19] we still have time if there's any wrongs that we committed we got time to write them

[01:06:23] leaving our mark on this earth we have time to accomplish that live in a positive life

[01:06:28] we have time to do that given everything that we have for the greater good we have time to fulfill

[01:06:35] that but again that takes much examination scrutiny critical observation and reflection

[01:06:42] but we are picked to survive and you can interpret that any way that you want

[01:06:46] and I don't know about child but being picked to survive now that's a definition of a life

[01:06:52] that's worth living I want to thank Gwen for taking the time to share her story

[01:06:57] and once again thank you for being on my platform I'm your host Jay smooth and thank you

[01:07:02] for listening to the life on the examine is not worth living and we out of here peace

[01:07:57] you